For the Believing Spouse/Family Member, Part 1, Storytime

     So, your spouse/sibling/child/loved one just told you that they no longer believe that the LDS Church is true.  What do you do, how do you react when you hear this from someone you love.
The answer is in the last two words of the previous sentence.  You love.  If you loved them before, you continue to love and support them.  The LDS Church is very big on the importance of family, so if you believe that, you need to show it.  Odds are that if you loved one has 'come out' to you about their non-belief, it has been after a lot of careful consideration and it is not something they take lightly.  The courage required to face potential shunning, ostracism and rejection in the name of personal integrity is something to be respected.  Remember, as disconcerting and scary as this is for you, it is just as much for them if not more. 


To clarify, there are different levels of inactivity.   Most assume the basic inactive or Jack-Mormon is, generally speaking, the person who just doesn't attend because it's inconvenient, or they don't like all the rules and restrictions (Word of Wisdom) or were offended or those other cliche things you hear about inactives. They may or may not believe, they simply choose not to go to church. While this is true is some cases, it is by no means true for all. Many find themselves losing belief  in  the church because the person has serious problems with historical, doctrinal and/or policy issues.  Things like polygamy, racism, multi-billion dollar malls, Prop 8, Book of Abraham, Seer Stones, etc, have led them to a point where they can no longer, in good conscience believe in the Church's claims to be The One True Church. This blog will focus on the latter.

It has been said by some that a crisis of faith and leaving the church is a lot like a divorce.  When you find out that the person/church that you loved and thought you knew turns out to not be what you thought it was and that they have been lying to you, it can be very difficult and emotionaly and spiritually devastating. 

SO how do you support someone who is going through this?  Perhaps a digression through a personal story. 

My brother in law (wife's bro) sent us a text about a year ago when it became clear that his marriage was in trouble.  Kinda put a damper on our Disneyland vacation playing text therapy with him, but that's what ya do for family.  Over the next several months we did all we could to help him try to salvage his relationship with his wife.  We babysat while he rented limos and tried to woo her back.  When things were tough, we sat with him in our home and listened as he spilled his heart out in grief.  When it turned out she was bangin' some dude from work and it was really over, we listened as he vented his anger.  I put together an mp3 playlist and loaned him  a player so he could rock out his anger.  When he sat and  called the mother of his 2 beautiful daughters all kinds of filthy hateful names.  We nodded and were supportive when he said she should just be killed and how he wanted to go kill the other guy.  We knew he was just blowing off steam and wouldn't actually do that, but we did gently remind him that he probably shouldn't make those kind of statements.    We were there for him as the divorce proceeded and the custody battles began.  When he eventually found a new girlfriend, we welcomed her and my wife went out of the way to make sure that she and her adopted daughter were included in the family christmas.  We helped with watching his girls, helping the GF move into her new place,  and anything else we could do.  We eventually started getting together with them couples and going out for Wing Tuesdays. 

In short, we provided love and support for him in his time of need.  That is what family is supposed to do when one of their own has a crisis. 

SO, when I came out to my wife about not believing in the church, he was the one family member we told, figuring that would give my wife someone to talk to and to be a support for her.   There were maybe 2 conversation on the topic between the 4 of us and his attitude was "Ok, you don't believe, so just shut the F**K  up about it."  Then we didn't see or hear from them for a little over a month and that was a text from his girlfriend about her un-friending me on Facebook because of all the negativity and 'ridiculous stuff" I posted.  She went on about how worried she was for my wife and how sad it all is.  All of this without any contact.  She didn't bother to talk to my wife at all, and would have no way of knowing that we were in actuality doing really well, and that our relationship was better than ever.  They just shunned us.  My wife took time to really put together a thoughtful response rather than lashing out in anger.  She eventually had a long talk with her brother, but he just doesn't understand and doesn't seem like he is going to make any effort to try.

One of the biggest conflicts a disaffected person can face is with their spouse.  I have been lucky to have had an amazing, understanding and loving wife who accepts me and puts our marriage before the church.  Many are not so lucky.  A person who has a crisis of faith, especially someone who was a very active and devout believer that has just had their entire belief system and self concept destroyed, now faces the daunting task of  sharing this with their 'eternal companion.'    In many cases, there is a period of secrecy and fear during which the disaffected spend a lot of time reading, researching and studying church history.  They may get involved with an online group or  board, such as Postmormon or one of the many Facebook groups.  They find sites like Mormonthink, or Mormon Stories.  These websites are sometimes viewed with the kind of secrecy, InPrivate browsing and deleted histories that are usually reserved for porn.    The fear of being caught looking at "ANTI-" sites is often greater than the fear of getting caught with porn.

      Now the person is not only keeping their doubts from their spouse, but also engaging in sneaky and deceptive behavior, and this only compounds their feelings of guilt and fear.  They feel compelled to 'come out' and confess.  The questions then become; How do you tell your spouse this? and When  is the right time?  Some wait for months, the guilt and tension building, dropping subtle hints and waiting for just the right time, while others just blurt it out, dropping a bomb in the middle of their marriage.  Which is better?  It depends on the situation, the couple,  but whichever way it is presented it will have unimaginable consequences, and the best that can be hoped for is to minimize the damage and try to preserve the family.  This goal is, sadly, often beyond the reach of many.  The believing spouse often reacts badly, and goes on the defensive.  Let's look at two scenarios and try to see both sides:

Scenario 1:  John-From High Counsel to the depths of despair.

John is an active and devout member of the church all is life, he has a loving wife, Sarah, four great kids, 1 in college,  1 on a mission, and 2 in High School.  He has a good job, and is respected in the community. After serving in a variety of ward callings, from Primary to EQ president to 2nd counselor in the Bishopric,  he was called to a position on the high council several months ago.  As he has gotten deeper involved in the church, little inconsistencies and nagging questions have been popping up.  Little nagging doubts from his days on his mission and even before have risen up out of the past and are threatening to break the shelf where he has  stored all these doubts and questions.  He recently served on a disciplinary 'court of love' and more questions have been raised.  He is experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance and in an attempt to resolve these 'silly doubts'  decides to look deeper into church history and find out the "TRUTH" that he knows will banish these questions forever.  He sticks to 'church approved' sources at first, but instead of assuaging his doubts, this only increases them, and leads him to look at outside sources and , gasp!, the Internet and finds that  instead of being filled with evil anti liars, there are many others, just like himself that have traveled similar paths and are sharing what they found.  Within a matter of days, he has discovered a massive amount of information that simply destroy his testimony of the church.  Practically overnight, everything he has lived his life for, has been demonstrated to be a lie.  This has been compared to a death, and the same stages of grief apply.  Denial kicks in and he flings himself to his knees in fervent prayer, attends the temple, and finds that the 'burning in his bosom'  that once testified  of his beliefs has turned into a gnawing in the pit of his stomach that screams "LIES! LIES! IT's ALL LIES!" and he feels panic and fear like never before. 
   
 The   next stage is anger,  and it is here that John blindsides everyone,  going to the stake president  and asking to be released  from his calling,  goes home and in a righteous  fury,  tells his wife, Sarah,  EVERYTHING .  He spews every bit of evidence he has found in a rush of words and wild gesticulations.

Scenario 2-Mary-Why Aren't I perfect?

Mary has lived her life exactly the way she was ' supposed to,'  from primary  through young women's,  memorizing all the Articles of Faith,  getting her YM  medallion,  dressing 'modestly' and only double dating.   During her year at BYU,  she adhered to the honor code and waited for Mr  right.  When she met him at the singles ward FHE,  Tom seemed to be perfect,  fresh from a mission overseas,  he was charming,  handsome  and worldly (in a righteous way).  After a  brief engagement,  they were sealed  for all time and eternity in the temple. Within a few months she was pregnant  with the first of 5 kids.   Now she is sitting in Gospel  Doctrine thinking back to where things went wrong.
 
It is was her wedding day,  during the endowment session where the doubts began.  The temple was supposed to be the most sacred place on earth,  as close to the celestial kingdom as you could get on earth. Instead,  it was strange, after being touched strangely during the initiatory and dressing in odd white clothes,  she experienced bizarre rituals (that she would later learn were Masonic in origin) and made covenants not to Heavenly Father,  but to her husband. Then the sealing was beautiful but odd,  someone they didn't know spoke at length about chastity and sacred covenants. That night,  the honeymoon was a nightmare. Two virgins who had been brought up being  told that sex was sinful and 'dirty' trying to make love after the surreal temple ceremonies left her feeling confused,  guilty,  and unfulfilled.
 
Her love life never really improved,  sex was something to be endured at the whims of her husband,  who was clueless as to her needs or how to satisfy them. The only good she found from sex,  was getting pregnant. Her role of wife wasn't  what she had expected,  but motherhood, this was her divine purpose!


Tom was a good provider,  worthy priesthood holder and a good friend, he would be a great father. A the children came,  so did the post-partem depression and Tom 's increased work schedule  and church callings. Mary was left alone struggling to take care of the children,  clean the home, cook dinner,  prepare primary lessons and submit to her husband 's  needs when she did actually see him. Mary loved her husband and her children,  her life,  on the surface, appeared to be perfect. Inside,  however,  Mary was miserable,  depressed and hated herself for falling so short of the perfection that she had been raised to expect. She goes through the  motions,  fulfills  her callings,  reads her scriptures,  says her prayers,  conducts FHE, and thinks thank  there has to be something wrong with her because she isn't happy. 

Then, one day at the library,  after wrangling the young ones to story time  she picks up a copy of Mormon Enigma,  surely she will find inspiration from how Emma struggled as the prophet 's  wife. Next comes In Sacred Loneliness. Alone with the baby, while  Tom and the kids are at work and school, Mary loses her testimony page by page,  book by book. Despite the truth she has found, she is still in denial, obviously,  she must be in the grip of Satan. She continues to fake it for years, going through the motions of Church, Callings, etc all the while continuing to spend time now and again reading 'non-faith promoting' books in secret. She learns more and more over the years, guilt and cognitive dissonance building until the shelf  finally breaks, maybe it is the eldest  son's  farewell,  or temple marriage, or maybe her baby's baptism that sets it off, It simply could be a discussion in Relief Society,  but she breaks down and confesses  to Tom her doubts and fears.

Now, we come to the believing spouse's reactions. We will see how they can respond in completely understandable, yet negative ways, that can be the difference between rescuing their loved one and strengthening their marriage, or alienating them and destroying their 'forever family.'

Sarah-My Husband is in the grasp of Satan!

Sarah came home from church that Sunday feeling uplifted and renewed. Sacrament meeting is always a way to recharge her spiritual batteries. She loved the ward, and all her friends in Relief Society. As she began preparing dinner, she just knew that it was going to be a great day. The girls were chatting excitedly about Young Women's as the helped with the chicken, when John came home from his duties in another ward he would smell the delicious mean cooking and smile contentedly. He hadn't been smiling a lot lately, and he seemed so distant; today things would be better.
   
When John was late, she didn't worry, he often ended up spending extra time at other wards. It did bother her a little that his calling required so much time away from the family, but she was so proud that he was always magnifying his priesthood so righteously.

John finally gets home,  over 90 minutes late. He seems somewhat stressed,  but dismisses  her worries with a quick kiss and settles down for dinner. After dinner,  as the girls clean up he takes Sarah to their room and asks her to sit by him on the bed. 

 
"I resigned my calling today. " he starts,  "The church isn't true" is the last thing she really hears as John goes on for what seems like an eternity,  pacing,  waving his arms,  and spewing apostate blasphemy.   Sarah  sits in stunned silence throughout his tirade,  tears running down her cheeks. When it ends he sits by her side,  looking expectantly in her eyes. She  can feel him yearning for her to say she understands and that everything is all right. "We need to pray!" she sobs. "Did you even hear a word I said? " he says, stunned at her lack of understanding.

 
Sarah bolts from the room and locks herself in the master bathroom where she falls to her knees and begins weeping in prayer.   "Dear heavenly father,  please help us! John is in Satan 's  grip!" The prayer goes on for nearly 30 minutes. When she emerges, John is nowhere to be found. Her daughters tell her he stormed out and drove off and ask her what is wrong. She brushes their questions  aside,  assuring them that he is just stressed about stake business. How could she tell them that their  father,  the priesthood holder of their  home is in apostasy?

    Over the next few weeks,  and uneasy truce is in effect. John has promised  not to talk about any of his 'issues' with the kids,  and to give Sarah time to process everything. Sarah has promised  not to file for divorce. She has met with the Bishop  and Stake president,  who both assure her that this is just a mid-life crisis,  and vow to help see her family through this difficult time. John has spent Sundays out hiking. Sarah takes small comfort in the fact that his callings often kept him away from their home ward, so his absence doesn't raise eyebrows. Yet  she feels the eyes of others judging her,  and pitying  her.

   
  When the Bishop and his wife 'stop by' Sarah talks with her in the kitchen as the men get down to business in the living room . Soon the men's voices  start to rise and suddenly she hears John loudly stating "That's bullshit! " Moments later the Bishop enters the kitchen,  red-faced, apologizing and promising to pray for her family.

   Sarah walks into the living room to find John pacing angrily. The fight that follows is the most intense and heartbreaking of their 27 year marriage. It is clear to her that this is not the man she married. Surprised  by her own fury she screams at him to get out of her house  and not to return until he has repented.

     
The separation  and ensuing divorce is devastating to both of them and especially so on the children who are caught in the middle and forced to take sides. The custody and visitation battle is particularly brutal,  as Sarah fights to keep her young daughters safe from the dangerous ideas of their 'evil' father,  who is just as vehemently fighting to free them from the 'brainwashing' of 'that phony cult'.

    In the end everyone  loses, a forever family is no more.

It is easy to see how John and Sarah could have handled everything differently and been more considerate  of others feelings. The crisis of faith may still have ended  the marriage, but it could have been much less damaging to all involved,  and relationships  could be maintained.  

Tom-Woman Troubles.

Sitting next to Mary in bed as she begins sobbing out her hysterical rant about doubting the church, Tom is confused at first. Mary is proclaiming her love for him and yet speaking blasphemy about the church and Joseph Smith and everything that Tom believes in. His confusion soon turns to anger as he begins to understand the depths of her dishonesty and deceptiveness. For the past several years it seems she has been keeping secrets from him, living a double life. He doesn't hear or chooses to ignore what she is saying as his mind is filled with questions. What exactly does she do all day? Who has she been talking about all this with? How can he trust anything she says? Is she having an affair? He finally explodes and begins calling her to repentance. demanding that she submit to his priesthood authority. Her refusal and the spark of rebellion in her eye both frightens and infuriates him. He sleeps fitfully on the couch, thankful only that the church abandoned polygamy, How did the early pioneers handle more than one wife?

Waking early, he slips out before she rises and heads to work. Later that morning he calls his friend, the 1st counselor in the Bishopric and arrange for him to 'have a talk with Mary" and get to the bottom of this. That night Mary is at first apologetic and conciliatory, she has made his favorite dinner and the family meal is very pleasant and all is as it should be. Later, after the kids are in bed, Tom informs her that she needs to go talk with the Bishopric tomorrow night and Mary comes unglued, crying and screaming at him about betraying her trust! Tom has had enough and begins berating her in a tone of voice he usually saves for when the children need to be disciplined. As things get more heated he begins belittling and breaking her down emotionally. She Will Obey Him!

 
The bishopric meeting serves to further humble and take the rebellious spirit out of Mary. She agrees to see a counselor to deal with her "depression and delusions." Things seem to be getting better over the next couple of months. Tom even consents to join her for some marriage counselling, but this turns out to be a mistake, as Mary begins telling a complete stranger about their sex life and openly discussing words like 'foreplay' and 'orgasm' and Tom storms out.  

 
Tom refuses to allow Mary to return to counselling and begins a campaign of righteous dominion, enlisting the bishopric to help drive out Mary's sinful spirit. He makes it very clear that she cannot get along without him. Where would she go? How would she make ends meet? She has no marketable skills. By the time she gets through a church disciplinary court, there is no chance she is going to get the kids from him.

If she stays, she is marginalized, treated like she is somehow damaged, and slowly dies a little each day. If she stands up to him, her life will be irrevocably changed and her family ripped apart.

These are purely fictional accounts, made up in my fevered brain. But, they are based on dozens of similarly sad stories. "Forever Families "don't seem to mean much when one spouse has a crisis of faith.

I've recently been involved in a new Facebook group, Former Mormons with Believing Spouses, and I keep being dismayed and saddened as I read of another loving husband moving out at wife's insistence or about the wife whose husband won't talk to her, or even touch he'd because she has confessed her doubts. In our little group, we are trying to figure out how to save these marriages and encourage better communication and connection. The problem, it seems is that those believing spouses will not even consider discussing their concerns and seeking support. The apostate spouse is simply wrong, something to be feared or fixed. The odds that the person reading this is a believer is pretty slim, if your spouse shared this with you and you actually took the time to read it, thank you. Know this, your marriage can be saved, it won't be easy, but it can be done. If you read the above stories and thought "Well, that wasn't handled well, " then maybe you will be able to reach out to your spouse and help them through this crisis together.

In the next installment, we will look at how both the believing and doubting spouse can respect, support and try to understand each other.

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