But I'm a Terrible Mormon Husband.

     "I just have to be honest with you,  I don't believe in the LDS Church.  Not even a little." 

     I couldn't believe I was blurting this out over rib tips at Famous Daves.  This was a conversation I had been preparing for and dreading for months now, and this was not how I planned this.  My wife of nearly 20 years sat across the table in stunned silence as I stumbled through a confession I wasn't quite ready to deliver. 

Everything I had learned told me this was NOT how to do this.
Never in a public place.
Not until you are ready.

     I had decided that March was the target zone.  My wife's birtheday was the Feb. 6,  Valentine's  Day was out, and now here I was on President's Day coming out of the closet as a non-believer in a public place when I wasn't ready.

     We had been talking about friends of ours who had been dealing with marital problems and other issues that led to divorce and she was saying how ". . .when they have these problems and they don't talk about things that are bothering them and they just let things bottle up.  When you have these things that bother you, you have to communicate and share. . .etc."(She is a counselor for LDSSS).  And so I did.

     She sat quietly and listened as I tried to explain how I had been studying church history.  She smiled as I  explained how I had realized that I really did love her so much that I had to be honest with her and with myself. She held my hand as I wept telling her about the last ditch temple session that was the final nail in the coffin of my pitiful testimony.  When I finished she was quiet for a bit and then she finally spoke. 

     "But you're still a good man.  You still love me and I still love you,  that doesn't change."  She was a little sad, but not really surprised, and since that day she has reacted to me with the most amazing kindness, love and understanding.  I am so very lucky to have such an amazing woman.   After years of faking even a minimum of interest in the church, I couldn't do it anymore, and my Primary President wife was completely ok with it. She was supportive, loving and I still well up everytime I think of how truly lucky I am to have her.
     I was never the model 'Peter Priesthood' type.  I had hated the church since  I was a kid, and somehow I had ended up married into it, serving callings, paying tithing and wasting my Sundays.   For the last couple of years I had only gone to Sacrament.  Once I had completed all 500 crosswords on my little hand held game, I started reading to get through the 75 minutes of mind-numbing tedium that I resented every minute of. I would slip into the clerk's office and write down the count and print whatever reports or certificates needed printing and walk the Hell home. My Home Teaching record was nearly perfect, I had 17 straight years of never doing it before I finally messed up and answered the phone before checking the caller ID.  I listened to Thrash Metal rather that all those 3-named LDS artists.  I drank coffee at work.  I watched R rated movies and said the 'Fuck' word. I peeked during prayer.  I always thought Joseph Smith was a fraud.  I stayed in bed until my wife went to the bathroom in the morning and then quickly dressed in my 'real' underwear.  I couldn't tell Boyd B. Oaks from Henry F. Packer, and I didn't care.  I couldn't quote scripture.  I didn't know the diference  between Abinadi and Abagofsmashedassholes.  I was a bad Mormon. 

    I was also a loving and caring husband.  After 19 years of marriage we still held hands and snuck kisses.  I suffered through all that church crap because I loved her and it was important to her.  I blessed and baptized my son and daughter, and  held my tongue and went along with bogus teachings that were foisted upon my kids because I didn't want them being faithless doubters like their evil old man and because it was important to my wife.  As I entered the world of the disaffected and  read many stories of marriages ruined because of one spouse's doubts, I realized how much I truly loved my wife and didn't want to lose her.  I committed myself to showing her that love everyday.  This wasn't to butter her up for the bad news, this was earnest, caring love.  When I began to see hope of getting out from under the oppressive, narrowminded stranglehold of the church, I began to see that the resentment and anger that I felt towards my wife was just sublimation of my feelings about the church.  I stopped seeing her as the reason for my unhappiness and began to recognize that she was the one thing I did believe in. 

     I had been creeping around behind her back with another way of thinking and I felt shitty about it.  Now that things were out in the open, I began to feel a sense of happiness and freedom that I hadn't felt in years. We were connecting at a level of honest communication that had always seemed out of reach. We talked about my feelings and beliefs or the lack thereof.  We talked about our marriage and our kids and our future.  We cried, we held each other and we affirmed our love for each other.  We came to an understanding.  We set ground rules and boundaries.  We promised to work through things together.

     That was almost 6 months ago, and a lot has happened since then.  The first amazing thing was just a couple of weeks later when she came with me to a Post-mormon meeting.  It was a little awkward, but everyone was very nice and respectful.  She has since gone so far as spending my birthday weekend with ex-mos 300 miles away just so I could attend a book club on "Insider's View of Mormon Origins."  She even made a pie!  The reception and treatment we have gotten from them has been amazing.  I have been able to attend Mormon Expression live events, go to Atheist book clubs and she even has allowed me to drink the occaisional adult beverage now and then.  I know I am truly lucky, and I try to express that to her every day.  Yes, the snuggling is much better and more frequent too!
     While I have had my Facebook groups and ex-mo meet-ups for support, she doesn't have that much support.  She isn't much for on-line stuff, and  can't really discuss this with her Primary counselors.  We decided to confide in one of her brothers and one of her sisters so that she could have someone to talk to about this.  That has resulted in a distance and awkwardness between us and them, and in me being 'unfriended' because of some of my Facebook posts.  The most notable of those was the one that I felt was a great story of unconditional love and acceptance, but was referred to as me 'preaching false doctrine,' a nice little article with a catchy title from Salon.com.  We are holding back from talking to the rest of her family for now.  There will be issues arising as we face nephew baptisms and other church events, and we will face them (and her family) head on, together.

     My wife has a testimony of the Church and what it does for her in her life, and doesn't care about historical issues or doctrinal inconsistencies, and doesn't want to know.  I respect that and as much as we talk, we don't talk about those issues.  I know that she has a deep and abiding love for Heavenly Father and her Savior, and I would never do anything to destroy that.  She is not a TBM  (True Believing Mormon).  She is fairly liberal, and the Church is a large cultural part of who she is, and as much as I want her to understand and recognize what I see as complete horseshit,  I will keep my promise and not try to drag her out of the Church with me.  But if and when she asks, I have started this blog with the hope that someday she will  read it and follow the information to the conclusion that she too can be free from the lies.  She may not, and if I can accept that with  even half of the grace, love and beauty she has accepted me with, we will be just fine.


      I'm not pretending anymore. I can openly read whatever I want.  I can enjoy my Sundays.  I got a 10% raise!  I can enjoy a fine cabernet with my steak instead of a Diet Coke.  I am free to seek after God or not in my own way.  I can now be authentically who I am without trying to abide (or at least pretend to abide) by the dictates of a bunch of octegenarians or the charismatic hillbilly with an Abraham fetish  and his make-believe golden bible.

     I was a terrible Mormon husband, now I am a wonderful apostate Hubby!