Having straddled the line between the ex-mormon world and that of the tbm spouse for the last few years, I've learned a thing or two. I've seen through the apostate lens in countless ex/post/former-mormon groups in which I participate. My Primary President wife and I also admin a group for the believing spouses of apostates and that has allowed me to see the other side of the coin. I've seen otherwise good marriages that have cracked under the strain of a faith crisis and I've seen not-so-great marriages grow and flourish as one spouses disaffection has prompted improved communication, greater understanding and mutual acceptance and respect. The keys to keeping a marriage together will vary with each couple, but I'd like to share a few tips and insights that may help.
First, let's just face the facts, if you have a shitty marriage, and the church was the only thing that you have in common, you're pretty much screwed. Other than sticking it out for the kids, you may just want to accept that you are going to get divorced. The good news is that there are a lot of fabulous ex-mo divorcees out there and you don't even have to go to a singles ward!
Now supposing that you love your spouse, have a decent marriage and want to get beyond your crisis of faith and make your marriage work. You need to accept a few basic facts and let go of some of your unrealistic expectations.
Fact #1-Your spouse isn't an idiot for believing. Hell, you used to believe. Anyone who grew up in the church has had a shitload of extreme indoctrination and cultural/family pressure heaped upon them ever since they nibbled that first animal cracker in the nursery.
Unrealistic Expectation #1-They will agree with you. Your spouse may not be willing to look at all of the evidence you have found, read all those books, listen to all the podcasts and spend hours on Mormonthink.com. Some people really aren't ready to have their entire belief system completely destroyed. All of those feelings of betrayal, anger, grief, regret, etc. that you have felt and are struggling with are, as you know, a bitch. Not everyone is capable of, or willing to, face that right now, or maybe ever. Even if they are willing to check out some of your info, they may not accept it or care and will continue to believe.
Fact #2-YOU changed. You changed the deal, flipped the script, reneged on your covenants and threw a big fucking monkey wrench into your marriage. This was not part of the plan, and your spouse has every right to be pissed off.
Unrealistic Expectation #2-Your spouse is going to be cool with all of this. You can't pull the rug out from under them and then expect them not to fall or complain about the bruises. As much as you have gone through the stages of grief over your faith crisis, they will go through them over the loss of their eternal marriage/celestial glory/own planet. Just as you may be in the 'Fucking church!' stage, they may be in the 'Fetching apostate spouse!' stage.
Fact #3-You HAVE changed! You will continue to change. Despite your vehement protest that you are still 'the same person', you aren't. You have fundamentally changed and will continue to as you adapt to your new life as an apostate. You're still a nice person, you still love your family, you still put the toilet paper on so it rolls under, but you have changed. You don't accept Joseph Smith as a Prophet, you don't believe in Lehi's dream anymore, and for fuck's sake, you changed your underpants!
Unrealistic Expectation #3-They just have to accept the new me. Your spouse isn't going to happily and unflinchingly accept all of your changes. They will freak out when you buy a Kuerig machine. They may cry when you start wearing BVDs (granted the fellas may not weep over your new Victoria's Secret ensemble). They won't talk to you for a week after you come home with beer on your breath. You don't wanna know what will happen if they catch you looking at porn.
Fact #4-You are going to have to learn to accept your spouse as they are, they may never change. They are going to have to learn to accept the 'new' you, and that you definitely won't come back into the fold.
Unrealistic Expectation #4-It will all work out just fine. This shit ain't easy! This is a difficult process it is going to take patience and hard work to get through all of this.
And one very Important Fact-YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Yes, you have changed, but ultimately, it is for the better. It's not your fault that the church is bullshit.
As a wise woman once said
" I did not create the problem or lie, I just opened my eyes and cannot close them again."
With the above in mind, let's explore some basic tips and suggestions.
Tip #1-SLOW DOWN! Just because you found out the church wasn't true doesn't mean you need to rush out and have strippers shoot heroin into your eyeballs while you get a pentagram tattooed on your face. Many newly out apostates seem to think that because they spent all those years living by archaic rules and following the Word of Wisdom they have to make up for lost time. You don't get your mission years back to sew wild oats. There is no need to run right out and prove all your TBM in-laws right because you just want to 'sin.' Your spouse will accept gradual changes a whole lot better than massive and reckless ones.
Tip #2-Let go of the anger. If you can't let it go, at least stop spewing your venom about it. Sure the church is a vile, corrupt corporation that promotes archaic beliefs, misogyny, and homophobia and is based on a ridiculous work of fiction perpetrated by a narcissistic charlatan with delusions of grandeur and a taste for 14 year old girls, but that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it. You don't go up to the Catholic guy at work and rant about the Pope preaching against condoms in AIDS-ravaged, 3rd world countries or child fucking priests, so lighten up on your spouse and family about polyandry and the Book of Abraham.
Tip #3-Work on ways you and your spouse can communicate better. Forget the Kinderhook plates, and have a nice discussion about why you hate pickles on your burger yet your wife loves them. Respectfully listen as she shares her ideas about the perfect dill slice ratio without rolling your eyes and making sour faces. Then explain, calmly and gently about how even the ghost of pickle flavor left on the cheese after you flick those little green demon discs out the car window makes you nearly gag. Perhaps a pleasant back and forth about the merits of 80's hair metal versus the gentle crooning of Reba McEntire. Once you get the basics of peaceful disagreement about toothpaste flavors and the best way to fold socks, then perhaps you can try discussing Prop 8 or whether or not Nephites rode tapirs.
Tip #4-Remember Fact #2 and realize your spouse is going to take time to process all of this. The Jay Bryner formula states that for every year you have been married prior to your disaffection, your spouse gets a months worth of free passes to say nasty things to you and treat you like the dirty double crosser you are. You just let them say all the shitty things and have their tantrums. You owe them. You don't have to take the abuse, though. Let them rant and rave, they get the freebies, but once they are done you calmly tell that how badly the things they said hurt and how despite all of that you still love them.
Tip #5-Consider Therapy. Individual and/or couples counseling can really help you to deal with all of this and is an excellent way to learn new skills that will help you to communicate and process things more effectively.
Tip #6- Prioritize! Make your marriage your number one priority and drop all of that church crap down to like 4th or 5th. Are you above all, a husband/wife or are you an apostate? If you make your life all about not being a Mormon anymore, your marriage is going to suffer. If you focus on repairing and nurturing your relationship and moving beyond the differences of belief, it will pay much higher dividends. Insist on Date Night, do all that corny shit you did when you were engaged, buy flowers, write cheesy love notes. You have to demonstrate that although you have left the church, you have no intention of leaving them.
Tip #7-Your believing spouse isn't an Idiot! If you have kids, you've no doubt heard this before, but LET IT GO. They didn't suddenly get stupid just because you read Grant Palmer. Lots of very intelligent and wonderful people are believing Mormons. There are many who know a lot of the same shit you do who still believe. It doesn't make them stupid or brainwashed or blind anymore than your lack of belief makes you a victim of anti-Mormon lies or in the grasp of Satan. Too many times I've seen this nonsense about how someone doesn't know how they can respect their spouse because they still/no longer believe in the church. Oh sure, she may have bore and raised your children and helped put you through grad school, but because she clings to something that she was raised with and gives her comfort you can't respect her? Granted he is a great provider, father and has devoted his life to helping others, but since he stopped attending church you cant respect him? What a load of horseshit!
The bottom line is that your marriage is going to be drastically affected by your faith crisis. You and your spouse will never look at each other the same again. Whether you look at each other with a new and improved sense of respect and increased affection will depend heavily on the choices you both make. Since you were the one to introduce this big change, it is incumbent upon you to be the one to make the greater effort towards reconciling your differences and making things work.
HOWEVER...
Remember, you haven't done anything wrong! The 'Bad Guy' in all of this is the church, not you or your spouse. And in the end, your spouse has to put on their big girl/boy garmies and eventually get over it. If you accept that you changed the deal and take responsibility for that and extend the olive branch, they have to meet you half way. I'm not telling you that you have to be a martyr and take their shit, just be responsible for your own.
Next time: Your Disbelieving Spouse is Not in Satan's Grasp!
