My Disaffection part 1 -from Atheist to Apostate.

 Previously, on Apostate Fokker, we met the protagonist, a NRBM (Never Really Believing Mormon) who had spent the last 191/2 years married to an amazing and wonderful woman who he deeply loves. For the sake of his wife and family, he has been 'pretending' or 'faking it 'til he makes it' in the "one and only true church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (COJCOLDS)." 

In this installment, I will explore the beginnings of my disaffection, and share with you the sources that I found on way.  It all started with a Book.

     In December I was strolling through the I.F. Public Library looking for some new books; maybe another Vince Flynn style thriller, full of political intrigue; perhaps another Rock Biography/Memoir. Wait a minute, what is this?

'God No!' -Amazon

     I like Penn and Teller, and this looked like just the book I needed to read.  It was.  I surreptitiously got his book home and began reading it at work and when I was alone.  I'll spare you the full review, but basically it is a fairly humorous look at how a loud mouthed, smart-alecky atheist came to be.  The phrase that is used over and over is simple and resonated with me.

I Don't Know.

"Being an atheist means you don't believe in God.  When someone asks if God exists and you humbly say "I don't know." you've answered the question honestly.  Once you've answered 'I don't know'  regarding the existence of a God, the answer to whether you believe in God pretty much has to be 'No.'  That doesn't mean that you are saying it's impossible for there to be a God or we couldn't have evidence of  a God  in the future.   It just means that right now, you don't know, and if you don't know, you can't believe.  Believing cannot rise out of  "I don't know."  -Penn Jillette

     It made a whole lot of sense.  Way more than this whacked out religion I was playing along with.  The book wasn't too deep, yet it definitely made me think as much as it made me laugh. I would recommend it as an intro level atheist book, and for the laughs.  It woke me up and cracked me up. More importantly, it led me to the BIG 3 of Atheism, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Sam Harris. 

    

      I put books on hold at the library, and while waiting for them to come in, I began watching  Hitchens' debates and 'Hitchslaps' on YouTube.  The man was a Genius.  Intelligent, well spoken, and firm in his convictions, he was a hero to me.  Hitchens was  an author, journalist, and world traveler.  He has been in war  zones all over the world and was called upon to testify before the Catholic Church on the canonization of Mother Theresa as a Saint.  Of course he liked to drink fine scotch and he smoked, so obviously, nothing he said should  mean anything to anyone.  Isn't that right Mr. Ad Hominem? 

     He is abrasive and in your face, unapologetic, frank and just plain awe inspiring in his intellect.

Finally the next book arrived:

God Is Not Great -Amazon

This book stayed in my car, in the back seat, under a jacket.  This was not a book that I wanted my wife to see me reading and start asking questions about.  I wasn't ready to answer them, for her, or for myself.  I just knew I wanted more of this thinking and frank discussion about the existence of God and the poison of religion.  By the time I was reading this, I had heard most of his arguments from all of the lectures, debates and compilation videos.  As brilliant a book as this is, reading Hitchens pales in comparison to hearing and seeing him in action.  Nonetheless, I eagerly devoured it.  Best of both worlds, I now have the audio book read by the author himself.

This was immediately followed by

'The God Delusion' -Amazon

    Richard Dawkins is the Sciencey Atheist, and a Brit by birth. It could just be that I'm a sucker for accents, but I loved this one too.  He does come across as Mr. Smarty-pants, and  his complete distaste for religion is palpable. Obviously, this shiny book was kept well out of sight as I was delving further into disbelief.

 

I also listened to the audio book of Sam Harris' 'Letter to a Christian Nation' -Amazon.  Harris also takes Religion to task and clearly states his position when it comes to God and believers.

    

     I had discovered a whole new world of thought that made complete sense to me, in every way that the Church and it's teachings did not.  Was I an Atheist?  Could I continue to pretend in something that I found completely untenable?  How would this affect my marriage and my family?

     This is where I really started feeling dishonest and sneaky.  I was hiding books and watching videos with InPrivate browsing and deleting my history.  This was worse than Porn, (and all Mormons know how bad porn is, one peek at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine and you are an addict!)  I started feeling guilty and I knew I needed to talk with my wife honestly about my doubts-but how?  I spoke before about promising myself I would be honest with my wife.  This was no cup of coffee.  This was A BIG DEAL!!!  And I was sneaking around, hiding books  and sneaking around the Internet.  I had to tell her about this stuff, we had to talk.  I couldn't completely say "I am an ATHEIST!" to me yet, let alone her, but I had to find a way to bridge the gap that I felt was growing between us.    But how do you approach such an important conversation? 

Find out how I did it in the next installment of  'My Disaffection.'