Saturday, April 27, 2013
General Conference Report
My wife's family has a General Conference tradition. Sunday morning session is preceded by a huge feast of crepes and sausage. Everyone brings something and the assembly line begins about 9am and by the time the conference begins blasting from every TV in the house, nothing is ready. I have usually stolen 4 or 5 unblessed sausage links by this time. My father in-law begins barking that everyone needs to pay attention to the opening prayer. Small children are corralled and those at the stove bow their heads, but keep one eye open as they crank out the crepes. Eventually, usually about the time the first speaker begins, the food is blessed to the strengthening and nourishing of our bodies, and the ignoring of the lords annointed begins in earnest.
Last April, I was fresh from coming out to my wife as an unbeliever, and for the first time (and fucking last! ) I listened to every one of the 10 hours of vital information the prophets, seers, and revelators bestowed upon us. I attended my first priesthood session, walking into a chapel filled with a sea of white shirts packed tightly into all of the pews, my son and I decided to utulize the comfy chairs in the lobby. It was boring as hell! At the crepefest, It was noted by a few of my wife's brothers and sisters that I was actually paying attention(I think we had only confided in one of her 2 brothers and he had been a dick about it and began avoiding us). I had brain fuzz pretty badly by the time the second session was starting and thankfully was able to bike the 13 miles home as I listened to thrash metal before watching the dvr'd blather.
This year was quite different. In addition to the historically significant appearance of not one, but 2 women praying in General Conference for the first time in 183 years, I was officially no longer a member. Two days before I had finally received my official confirmation letter from the church's confidential records department stating that, in accordance with my request, my name had been removed.
I was also out to my in-laws, having just a month prior, had a brief chat with my mother in-law letting her know that I had sent in my resignation. As my wife and I suspected, she already knew about my inactivity and disbelief, having been told by her son. She had known for some time. After our chat, she let my wife know how sad she was that she hadn't come to her and defended her son's dickish behavior. God forbid she offer any fucking support! My wife's family has a long tradition of ignoring the elephants that stride through their rooms and passive-aggressively avoiding dealing with anything in healthy ways.
As we prepared for this exciting weekend, my wife was a bit apprehensive, in addition to the tension between her and her mom, there had been a few family fun get togethers that my wife hadn't been invited to, and darling brother had announced his wedding would be on the weekend we had for months been planning on being out of town. I steeled myself for the awkwardness and kept thinking about the delicious food I would be stuffing in my face to keep me from snarking.
My wife fretted and fumed, and the day before it was all going to go down, got into a pissy text exchange with the one sister who has been cool throughout this whole thing. Before she could send the final text which would screw me out of all those greasy sausage links, I convinced her to call and make peace. They made nice, and she thanked me for chilling her out.
Crisis averted, we skimmed through the recorded talks from Saturday's sessions and chatted about Bednar's chastity rant and the historic prayer which went off completely unremarkable as if it was just another session. I convinced my wife that it might be an interesting conversation starter if she brought up the prayer, whereas my bringing it up might be seen as a bit confrontational. This might be quite interesting, more likely, it would just be another unprocessed parade of pachyderms.
I awoke Sunday to the smell of coffee brewing as my wife was baking a cake for the postmormon potluck we would be skipping out on the afternoon session to attend. Two large mugs, liberally filled with Irish creme, (the good kind- Baileys) were luxuriously sipped as I helped ready the kids and pack the car with our contribution to the morning meal; 2 gallons of milk and 2 giant jugs of Sunny Delight, (and a water bottle half filled with vodka for myself) and a 3rd mug of Baileys and coffee was filled to take and wash down crepes with. Excited and giddy as I was, my wife was (in addition to being unaware of the Baileys situation) somewhat tense and uneasy.
I dressed in old, slightly distressed jeans and a tight, v-neck, T-shirt, that clung to my recently 10 lbs thinner body. The look was completed with my atheist symbol necklace, I was a sexy, smug and self satisfied apostate if ever there was one. I was going to be so charming and sociable as to baffle and amaze them all. We would show them that, far from being the tragic, mixed faith, couple stuggling in the grasp of Satan that they saw us as, we were happy and doing great! I would be no bitter apostate bent on mocking and belittling their beliefs or looking for confrontation, nor would I be the aloof and distant grouch, brooding off by myself, I was going to be charming!
Arriving a little late, we brought in our treasures and I stashed my big mug of contraband out of sight in a bookshelf. I said nice friendly howdies to everyone and got down on one knee and chatted with my 2 yr old niece. In the downstairs of my in-laws' split level colonial lives Great Grandpa. I strode down to say a pleasant hello. This led to the longest handshake of my life.
After a second or two in which I smilingly greeted him and asked how he was, he went straight to the point.
"They tell me you asked to have your name removed from the records of the church. " he asked, still holding my hand and putting the other on my shoulder.
"Yep"
"Why would you do that? "
"I don't believe it. " I smiled and looked him in the eye.
Nodding towards the TV which was showing a repeat of the Young Women's meeting, he asked "You don't believe they are prophets? "
"No, sir I don't, " still smiling and still holding the handshake.
He went on to tell me about prophets who visited him in his dreams and how he woke with tears in his eyes. I smiled and refrained from discussing confirmation bias.
"You know this doesn't just affect you, this affects the salvation of my granddaughter and my great grandkids."
I assured him that I had no intention of interfering with their desire to attend church and that I supported my wife as primary president. I stared into his eyes, smiling and still holding the handshake while informing him that I wasn't trying to destroy their testimonies or telling them a lot of negative stuff about the church, but that if they ask me questions, I will answer them directly and honestly. I told him that I had spent several months researching and studying and that this was not something I took lightly.
"I never thought you had a very strong testimony of the gospel. " he said without malice, and I had to agree.
When he asked about my lack of belief, I cheerfully and respectfully told him that I didn't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet or that the Book of Mormon was an historical or spiritual record and that Joseph made it up. He began the old argument that Joseph's limited education, similar to his own, was proof that it was divine inspiration. I countered that Joseph knew his Bible and plagiarized heavily from Isaiah, but stopped before bringing up A View of the Hebrews and told him that it was not my desire to argue about it.
He then turned back to his concerns about my family and how it is in my shoulders, and he wanted to leave this world knowing his descendants were safe in the gospel. I flirted with the idea of telling him that as patriarch of my family I felt it was my duty to protect them from a corrupt and fraudulent cult, but held my tongue.
After stating that he knew I was a good dad and husband, he finally released my hand.
Now, it was my turn to step up into his personal space and be direct. I thanked him for speaking with me about this. I told him I appreciated his coming to me and how most others who knew avoid me and seemed afraid to speak with me. I let him know that I preferred to shoot straight and be direct and honest. We parted in good terms and I went upstairs to find my wife.
I took a moment for a deep drink from my mug and went from room to room looking for my bride. I eventually learned that she had gone for a walk with her sister. I sat down to share the great grandpa story with my facebook ex-Mo groups. When she returned it was obvious that it's was not a leisurely stroll.
"I needed some air!" she informed me through pursed lips. She promised details later and returned to the kitchen. My daughter shared a bit if the story. Apparently, there was some discussion about being judgmental. My wife had expressed her feelings about the fact that my mother in-law hadn't made any effort to talk to her or provide support when she found out about my disaffection, and felt that she had been judging us. Of course her mom felt she had been judged as my wife hadn't confided in her. My wife responded that when she had told people, they had reacted poorly and shunned us. This was directed at my brother in-law, who was standing between them making crepes. She went on to point out that this was part of the family's pattern of not being open and talking about things, preferring to sweep things under the rug. This was denied, tempers were flaring, and my wife left to cool down. Mom and brother then snarked a bit about how the only people who sweep things under the rug are the ones with something to hide. When they realized they my daughter was still sitting there, they quickly shut up.
I finished my post and eventually headed into the kitchen to steal my first unblessed sausage link. The discussion was more civil and had to do with conference. My wife brought up the first woman praying. This was met with ignorance of the significance, scoffs, and called stupid. Baileys was calling. Another briefly overheard conversation was about BIL's fiance moving into his house. It was vigorously defended as being completely above board, and in no way improper or conflicting with his custody agreement or temple worthiness as she does not sleep there. Their regular temple attendance was also touted. The upcoming sealing also was discussed briefly, a pleasant reminder for my wife that it had been scheduled for the weekend of our long planned trip out of town.
The conference began and a few people pretended to listen. By the 1st speaker, food was ready. The ignoring of the speakers by all but myself and my father in-law began in earnest.
Once plates were filled and people were sitting around with plates balanced on laps, a few people payed attention to some of what was said. A sister and law and her teenage son had a notebook and took a few notes. Mostly though, it was just background noise for eating and socializing. I'm sure they will read a few talks in the ensign. I was so nice that I allowed niece and nephews to play games with on my tablet. There was a walk to the cemetary to great grandma's grave, complete with brief cloudburst. Then it was time for session 2, My wife and I headed out to attend my exmo group potluck. And thus endeth conference crepefest.
Friday, April 12, 2013
A happy announcement!
This past weekend marks my first General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an apostate. I was officially and legally a non member as if February 21st, when the church records office received my resignation email. I received a letter a week later dated on the 21st notifying me, that against my specific directions, the matter was being turned over to my 'local ecclesiastical leaders' and that they were going to drag out the process just to be assholes. Oh, I also got my lovely invitation pamphlet (another thing I specifically stated that I did not want) from the 1st Presidency. This led to a handful of increasingly snarky emails to my Stake President which he ignored or at least didn't bother responding to until about the 6th one, which was sent to My Bishop and cc'd to the Stake President and the Confidential records department.
It was not until April 5th that I received my 2 sentence confirmation letter which was sent April 2nd. 40 days for 2 sentences. Fucking corporate bullshit! There was no goddamned reason not to accede to my very specific and clearly stated instructions to process my request immediately without all the red tape and bureaucratic nonsense. I know some for whom the entire process to a mere 6 days, others I know have submitted their initial request months and years ago and still have had no response. The corporate fuckery of this ridiculous church just pisses meet off.
Fuck the Mormon Church! I am no longer one of their ranks and couldn't be more thrilled!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
For the Believing Spouse/Family Member, Part 1, Storytime
So, your spouse/sibling/child/loved one just told you that they no longer believe that the LDS Church is true. What do you do, how do you react when you hear this from someone you love.
The answer is in the last two words of the previous sentence. You love. If you loved them before, you continue to love and support them. The LDS Church is very big on the importance of family, so if you believe that, you need to show it. Odds are that if you loved one has 'come out' to you about their non-belief, it has been after a lot of careful consideration and it is not something they take lightly. The courage required to face potential shunning, ostracism and rejection in the name of personal integrity is something to be respected. Remember, as disconcerting and scary as this is for you, it is just as much for them if not more.
To clarify, there are different levels of inactivity. Most assume the basic inactive or Jack-Mormon is, generally speaking, the person who just doesn't attend because it's inconvenient, or they don't like all the rules and restrictions (Word of Wisdom) or were offended or those other cliche things you hear about inactives. They may or may not believe, they simply choose not to go to church. While this is true is some cases, it is by no means true for all. Many find themselves losing belief in the church because the person has serious problems with historical, doctrinal and/or policy issues. Things like polygamy, racism, multi-billion dollar malls, Prop 8, Book of Abraham, Seer Stones, etc, have led them to a point where they can no longer, in good conscience believe in the Church's claims to be The One True Church. This blog will focus on the latter.
It has been said by some that a crisis of faith and leaving the church is a lot like a divorce. When you find out that the person/church that you loved and thought you knew turns out to not be what you thought it was and that they have been lying to you, it can be very difficult and emotionaly and spiritually devastating.
SO how do you support someone who is going through this? Perhaps a digression through a personal story.
My brother in law (wife's bro) sent us a text about a year ago when it became clear that his marriage was in trouble. Kinda put a damper on our Disneyland vacation playing text therapy with him, but that's what ya do for family. Over the next several months we did all we could to help him try to salvage his relationship with his wife. We babysat while he rented limos and tried to woo her back. When things were tough, we sat with him in our home and listened as he spilled his heart out in grief. When it turned out she was bangin' some dude from work and it was really over, we listened as he vented his anger. I put together an mp3 playlist and loaned him a player so he could rock out his anger. When he sat and called the mother of his 2 beautiful daughters all kinds of filthy hateful names. We nodded and were supportive when he said she should just be killed and how he wanted to go kill the other guy. We knew he was just blowing off steam and wouldn't actually do that, but we did gently remind him that he probably shouldn't make those kind of statements. We were there for him as the divorce proceeded and the custody battles began. When he eventually found a new girlfriend, we welcomed her and my wife went out of the way to make sure that she and her adopted daughter were included in the family christmas. We helped with watching his girls, helping the GF move into her new place, and anything else we could do. We eventually started getting together with them couples and going out for Wing Tuesdays.
In short, we provided love and support for him in his time of need. That is what family is supposed to do when one of their own has a crisis.
SO, when I came out to my wife about not believing in the church, he was the one family member we told, figuring that would give my wife someone to talk to and to be a support for her. There were maybe 2 conversation on the topic between the 4 of us and his attitude was "Ok, you don't believe, so just shut the F**K up about it." Then we didn't see or hear from them for a little over a month and that was a text from his girlfriend about her un-friending me on Facebook because of all the negativity and 'ridiculous stuff" I posted. She went on about how worried she was for my wife and how sad it all is. All of this without any contact. She didn't bother to talk to my wife at all, and would have no way of knowing that we were in actuality doing really well, and that our relationship was better than ever. They just shunned us. My wife took time to really put together a thoughtful response rather than lashing out in anger. She eventually had a long talk with her brother, but he just doesn't understand and doesn't seem like he is going to make any effort to try.
One of the biggest conflicts a disaffected person can face is with their spouse. I have been lucky to have had an amazing, understanding and loving wife who accepts me and puts our marriage before the church. Many are not so lucky. A person who has a crisis of faith, especially someone who was a very active and devout believer that has just had their entire belief system and self concept destroyed, now faces the daunting task of sharing this with their 'eternal companion.' In many cases, there is a period of secrecy and fear during which the disaffected spend a lot of time reading, researching and studying church history. They may get involved with an online group or board, such as Postmormon or one of the many Facebook groups. They find sites like Mormonthink, or Mormon Stories. These websites are sometimes viewed with the kind of secrecy, InPrivate browsing and deleted histories that are usually reserved for porn. The fear of being caught looking at "ANTI-" sites is often greater than the fear of getting caught with porn.
Now the person is not only keeping their doubts from their spouse, but also engaging in sneaky and deceptive behavior, and this only compounds their feelings of guilt and fear. They feel compelled to 'come out' and confess. The questions then become; How do you tell your spouse this? and When is the right time? Some wait for months, the guilt and tension building, dropping subtle hints and waiting for just the right time, while others just blurt it out, dropping a bomb in the middle of their marriage. Which is better? It depends on the situation, the couple, but whichever way it is presented it will have unimaginable consequences, and the best that can be hoped for is to minimize the damage and try to preserve the family. This goal is, sadly, often beyond the reach of many. The believing spouse often reacts badly, and goes on the defensive. Let's look at two scenarios and try to see both sides:
Scenario 1: John-From High Counsel to the depths of despair.
John is an active and devout member of the church all is life, he has a loving wife, Sarah, four great kids, 1 in college, 1 on a mission, and 2 in High School. He has a good job, and is respected in the community. After serving in a variety of ward callings, from Primary to EQ president to 2nd counselor in the Bishopric, he was called to a position on the high council several months ago. As he has gotten deeper involved in the church, little inconsistencies and nagging questions have been popping up. Little nagging doubts from his days on his mission and even before have risen up out of the past and are threatening to break the shelf where he has stored all these doubts and questions. He recently served on a disciplinary 'court of love' and more questions have been raised. He is experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance and in an attempt to resolve these 'silly doubts' decides to look deeper into church history and find out the "TRUTH" that he knows will banish these questions forever. He sticks to 'church approved' sources at first, but instead of assuaging his doubts, this only increases them, and leads him to look at outside sources and , gasp!, the Internet and finds that instead of being filled with evil anti liars, there are many others, just like himself that have traveled similar paths and are sharing what they found. Within a matter of days, he has discovered a massive amount of information that simply destroy his testimony of the church. Practically overnight, everything he has lived his life for, has been demonstrated to be a lie. This has been compared to a death, and the same stages of grief apply. Denial kicks in and he flings himself to his knees in fervent prayer, attends the temple, and finds that the 'burning in his bosom' that once testified of his beliefs has turned into a gnawing in the pit of his stomach that screams "LIES! LIES! IT's ALL LIES!" and he feels panic and fear like never before.
The next stage is anger, and it is here that John blindsides everyone, going to the stake president and asking to be released from his calling, goes home and in a righteous fury, tells his wife, Sarah, EVERYTHING . He spews every bit of evidence he has found in a rush of words and wild gesticulations.
Scenario 2-Mary-Why Aren't I perfect?
Mary has lived her life exactly the way she was ' supposed to,' from primary through young women's, memorizing all the Articles of Faith, getting her YM medallion, dressing 'modestly' and only double dating. During her year at BYU, she adhered to the honor code and waited for Mr right. When she met him at the singles ward FHE, Tom seemed to be perfect, fresh from a mission overseas, he was charming, handsome and worldly (in a righteous way). After a brief engagement, they were sealed for all time and eternity in the temple. Within a few months she was pregnant with the first of 5 kids. Now she is sitting in Gospel Doctrine thinking back to where things went wrong.
It is was her wedding day, during the endowment session where the doubts began. The temple was supposed to be the most sacred place on earth, as close to the celestial kingdom as you could get on earth. Instead, it was strange, after being touched strangely during the initiatory and dressing in odd white clothes, she experienced bizarre rituals (that she would later learn were Masonic in origin) and made covenants not to Heavenly Father, but to her husband. Then the sealing was beautiful but odd, someone they didn't know spoke at length about chastity and sacred covenants. That night, the honeymoon was a nightmare. Two virgins who had been brought up being told that sex was sinful and 'dirty' trying to make love after the surreal temple ceremonies left her feeling confused, guilty, and unfulfilled.
Her love life never really improved, sex was something to be endured at the whims of her husband, who was clueless as to her needs or how to satisfy them. The only good she found from sex, was getting pregnant. Her role of wife wasn't what she had expected, but motherhood, this was her divine purpose!
Tom was a good provider, worthy priesthood holder and a good friend, he would be a great father. A the children came, so did the post-partem depression and Tom 's increased work schedule and church callings. Mary was left alone struggling to take care of the children, clean the home, cook dinner, prepare primary lessons and submit to her husband 's needs when she did actually see him. Mary loved her husband and her children, her life, on the surface, appeared to be perfect. Inside, however, Mary was miserable, depressed and hated herself for falling so short of the perfection that she had been raised to expect. She goes through the motions, fulfills her callings, reads her scriptures, says her prayers, conducts FHE, and thinks thank there has to be something wrong with her because she isn't happy.
Then, one day at the library, after wrangling the young ones to story time she picks up a copy of Mormon Enigma, surely she will find inspiration from how Emma struggled as the prophet 's wife. Next comes In Sacred Loneliness. Alone with the baby, while Tom and the kids are at work and school, Mary loses her testimony page by page, book by book. Despite the truth she has found, she is still in denial, obviously, she must be in the grip of Satan. She continues to fake it for years, going through the motions of Church, Callings, etc all the while continuing to spend time now and again reading 'non-faith promoting' books in secret. She learns more and more over the years, guilt and cognitive dissonance building until the shelf finally breaks, maybe it is the eldest son's farewell, or temple marriage, or maybe her baby's baptism that sets it off, It simply could be a discussion in Relief Society, but she breaks down and confesses to Tom her doubts and fears.
Now, we come to the believing spouse's reactions. We will see how they can respond in completely understandable, yet negative ways, that can be the difference between rescuing their loved one and strengthening their marriage, or alienating them and destroying their 'forever family.'
Sarah-My Husband is in the grasp of Satan!
Sarah came home from church that Sunday feeling uplifted and renewed. Sacrament meeting is always a way to recharge her spiritual batteries. She loved the ward, and all her friends in Relief Society. As she began preparing dinner, she just knew that it was going to be a great day. The girls were chatting excitedly about Young Women's as the helped with the chicken, when John came home from his duties in another ward he would smell the delicious mean cooking and smile contentedly. He hadn't been smiling a lot lately, and he seemed so distant; today things would be better.
When John was late, she didn't worry, he often ended up spending extra time at other wards. It did bother her a little that his calling required so much time away from the family, but she was so proud that he was always magnifying his priesthood so righteously.
"I resigned my calling today. " he starts, "The church isn't true" is the last thing she really hears as John goes on for what seems like an eternity, pacing, waving his arms, and spewing apostate blasphemy. Sarah sits in stunned silence throughout his tirade, tears running down her cheeks. When it ends he sits by her side, looking expectantly in her eyes. She can feel him yearning for her to say she understands and that everything is all right. "We need to pray!" she sobs. "Did you even hear a word I said? " he says, stunned at her lack of understanding.
Sarah bolts from the room and locks herself in the master bathroom where she falls to her knees and begins weeping in prayer. "Dear heavenly father, please help us! John is in Satan 's grip!" The prayer goes on for nearly 30 minutes. When she emerges, John is nowhere to be found. Her daughters tell her he stormed out and drove off and ask her what is wrong. She brushes their questions aside, assuring them that he is just stressed about stake business. How could she tell them that their father, the priesthood holder of their home is in apostasy?
Over the next few weeks, and uneasy truce is in effect. John has promised not to talk about any of his 'issues' with the kids, and to give Sarah time to process everything. Sarah has promised not to file for divorce. She has met with the Bishop and Stake president, who both assure her that this is just a mid-life crisis, and vow to help see her family through this difficult time. John has spent Sundays out hiking. Sarah takes small comfort in the fact that his callings often kept him away from their home ward, so his absence doesn't raise eyebrows. Yet she feels the eyes of others judging her, and pitying her.
When the Bishop and his wife 'stop by' Sarah talks with her in the kitchen as the men get down to business in the living room . Soon the men's voices start to rise and suddenly she hears John loudly stating "That's bullshit! " Moments later the Bishop enters the kitchen, red-faced, apologizing and promising to pray for her family.
Sarah walks into the living room to find John pacing angrily. The fight that follows is the most intense and heartbreaking of their 27 year marriage. It is clear to her that this is not the man she married. Surprised by her own fury she screams at him to get out of her house and not to return until he has repented.
The separation and ensuing divorce is devastating to both of them and especially so on the children who are caught in the middle and forced to take sides. The custody and visitation battle is particularly brutal, as Sarah fights to keep her young daughters safe from the dangerous ideas of their 'evil' father, who is just as vehemently fighting to free them from the 'brainwashing' of 'that phony cult'.
Waking early, he slips out before she rises and heads to work. Later that morning he calls his friend, the 1st counselor in the Bishopric and arrange for him to 'have a talk with Mary" and get to the bottom of this. That night Mary is at first apologetic and conciliatory, she has made his favorite dinner and the family meal is very pleasant and all is as it should be. Later, after the kids are in bed, Tom informs her that she needs to go talk with the Bishopric tomorrow night and Mary comes unglued, crying and screaming at him about betraying her trust! Tom has had enough and begins berating her in a tone of voice he usually saves for when the children need to be disciplined. As things get more heated he begins belittling and breaking her down emotionally. She Will Obey Him!
The bishopric meeting serves to further humble and take the rebellious spirit out of Mary. She agrees to see a counselor to deal with her "depression and delusions." Things seem to be getting better over the next couple of months. Tom even consents to join her for some marriage counselling, but this turns out to be a mistake, as Mary begins telling a complete stranger about their sex life and openly discussing words like 'foreplay' and 'orgasm' and Tom storms out.
Tom refuses to allow Mary to return to counselling and begins a campaign of righteous dominion, enlisting the bishopric to help drive out Mary's sinful spirit. He makes it very clear that she cannot get along without him. Where would she go? How would she make ends meet? She has no marketable skills. By the time she gets through a church disciplinary court, there is no chance she is going to get the kids from him.
If she stays, she is marginalized, treated like she is somehow damaged, and slowly dies a little each day. If she stands up to him, her life will be irrevocably changed and her family ripped apart.
These are purely fictional accounts, made up in my fevered brain. But, they are based on dozens of similarly sad stories. "Forever Families "don't seem to mean much when one spouse has a crisis of faith.
I've recently been involved in a new Facebook group, Former Mormons with Believing Spouses, and I keep being dismayed and saddened as I read of another loving husband moving out at wife's insistence or about the wife whose husband won't talk to her, or even touch he'd because she has confessed her doubts. In our little group, we are trying to figure out how to save these marriages and encourage better communication and connection. The problem, it seems is that those believing spouses will not even consider discussing their concerns and seeking support. The apostate spouse is simply wrong, something to be feared or fixed. The odds that the person reading this is a believer is pretty slim, if your spouse shared this with you and you actually took the time to read it, thank you. Know this, your marriage can be saved, it won't be easy, but it can be done. If you read the above stories and thought "Well, that wasn't handled well, " then maybe you will be able to reach out to your spouse and help them through this crisis together.
In the next installment, we will look at how both the believing and doubting spouse can respect, support and try to understand each other.
MormonthinkMormonthinkMormonthink
The answer is in the last two words of the previous sentence. You love. If you loved them before, you continue to love and support them. The LDS Church is very big on the importance of family, so if you believe that, you need to show it. Odds are that if you loved one has 'come out' to you about their non-belief, it has been after a lot of careful consideration and it is not something they take lightly. The courage required to face potential shunning, ostracism and rejection in the name of personal integrity is something to be respected. Remember, as disconcerting and scary as this is for you, it is just as much for them if not more.
To clarify, there are different levels of inactivity. Most assume the basic inactive or Jack-Mormon is, generally speaking, the person who just doesn't attend because it's inconvenient, or they don't like all the rules and restrictions (Word of Wisdom) or were offended or those other cliche things you hear about inactives. They may or may not believe, they simply choose not to go to church. While this is true is some cases, it is by no means true for all. Many find themselves losing belief in the church because the person has serious problems with historical, doctrinal and/or policy issues. Things like polygamy, racism, multi-billion dollar malls, Prop 8, Book of Abraham, Seer Stones, etc, have led them to a point where they can no longer, in good conscience believe in the Church's claims to be The One True Church. This blog will focus on the latter.
It has been said by some that a crisis of faith and leaving the church is a lot like a divorce. When you find out that the person/church that you loved and thought you knew turns out to not be what you thought it was and that they have been lying to you, it can be very difficult and emotionaly and spiritually devastating.
SO how do you support someone who is going through this? Perhaps a digression through a personal story.
My brother in law (wife's bro) sent us a text about a year ago when it became clear that his marriage was in trouble. Kinda put a damper on our Disneyland vacation playing text therapy with him, but that's what ya do for family. Over the next several months we did all we could to help him try to salvage his relationship with his wife. We babysat while he rented limos and tried to woo her back. When things were tough, we sat with him in our home and listened as he spilled his heart out in grief. When it turned out she was bangin' some dude from work and it was really over, we listened as he vented his anger. I put together an mp3 playlist and loaned him a player so he could rock out his anger. When he sat and called the mother of his 2 beautiful daughters all kinds of filthy hateful names. We nodded and were supportive when he said she should just be killed and how he wanted to go kill the other guy. We knew he was just blowing off steam and wouldn't actually do that, but we did gently remind him that he probably shouldn't make those kind of statements. We were there for him as the divorce proceeded and the custody battles began. When he eventually found a new girlfriend, we welcomed her and my wife went out of the way to make sure that she and her adopted daughter were included in the family christmas. We helped with watching his girls, helping the GF move into her new place, and anything else we could do. We eventually started getting together with them couples and going out for Wing Tuesdays.
In short, we provided love and support for him in his time of need. That is what family is supposed to do when one of their own has a crisis.
SO, when I came out to my wife about not believing in the church, he was the one family member we told, figuring that would give my wife someone to talk to and to be a support for her. There were maybe 2 conversation on the topic between the 4 of us and his attitude was "Ok, you don't believe, so just shut the F**K up about it." Then we didn't see or hear from them for a little over a month and that was a text from his girlfriend about her un-friending me on Facebook because of all the negativity and 'ridiculous stuff" I posted. She went on about how worried she was for my wife and how sad it all is. All of this without any contact. She didn't bother to talk to my wife at all, and would have no way of knowing that we were in actuality doing really well, and that our relationship was better than ever. They just shunned us. My wife took time to really put together a thoughtful response rather than lashing out in anger. She eventually had a long talk with her brother, but he just doesn't understand and doesn't seem like he is going to make any effort to try.
One of the biggest conflicts a disaffected person can face is with their spouse. I have been lucky to have had an amazing, understanding and loving wife who accepts me and puts our marriage before the church. Many are not so lucky. A person who has a crisis of faith, especially someone who was a very active and devout believer that has just had their entire belief system and self concept destroyed, now faces the daunting task of sharing this with their 'eternal companion.' In many cases, there is a period of secrecy and fear during which the disaffected spend a lot of time reading, researching and studying church history. They may get involved with an online group or board, such as Postmormon or one of the many Facebook groups. They find sites like Mormonthink, or Mormon Stories. These websites are sometimes viewed with the kind of secrecy, InPrivate browsing and deleted histories that are usually reserved for porn. The fear of being caught looking at "ANTI-" sites is often greater than the fear of getting caught with porn.
Now the person is not only keeping their doubts from their spouse, but also engaging in sneaky and deceptive behavior, and this only compounds their feelings of guilt and fear. They feel compelled to 'come out' and confess. The questions then become; How do you tell your spouse this? and When is the right time? Some wait for months, the guilt and tension building, dropping subtle hints and waiting for just the right time, while others just blurt it out, dropping a bomb in the middle of their marriage. Which is better? It depends on the situation, the couple, but whichever way it is presented it will have unimaginable consequences, and the best that can be hoped for is to minimize the damage and try to preserve the family. This goal is, sadly, often beyond the reach of many. The believing spouse often reacts badly, and goes on the defensive. Let's look at two scenarios and try to see both sides:
Scenario 1: John-From High Counsel to the depths of despair.
John is an active and devout member of the church all is life, he has a loving wife, Sarah, four great kids, 1 in college, 1 on a mission, and 2 in High School. He has a good job, and is respected in the community. After serving in a variety of ward callings, from Primary to EQ president to 2nd counselor in the Bishopric, he was called to a position on the high council several months ago. As he has gotten deeper involved in the church, little inconsistencies and nagging questions have been popping up. Little nagging doubts from his days on his mission and even before have risen up out of the past and are threatening to break the shelf where he has stored all these doubts and questions. He recently served on a disciplinary 'court of love' and more questions have been raised. He is experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance and in an attempt to resolve these 'silly doubts' decides to look deeper into church history and find out the "TRUTH" that he knows will banish these questions forever. He sticks to 'church approved' sources at first, but instead of assuaging his doubts, this only increases them, and leads him to look at outside sources and , gasp!, the Internet and finds that instead of being filled with evil anti liars, there are many others, just like himself that have traveled similar paths and are sharing what they found. Within a matter of days, he has discovered a massive amount of information that simply destroy his testimony of the church. Practically overnight, everything he has lived his life for, has been demonstrated to be a lie. This has been compared to a death, and the same stages of grief apply. Denial kicks in and he flings himself to his knees in fervent prayer, attends the temple, and finds that the 'burning in his bosom' that once testified of his beliefs has turned into a gnawing in the pit of his stomach that screams "LIES! LIES! IT's ALL LIES!" and he feels panic and fear like never before.
The next stage is anger, and it is here that John blindsides everyone, going to the stake president and asking to be released from his calling, goes home and in a righteous fury, tells his wife, Sarah, EVERYTHING . He spews every bit of evidence he has found in a rush of words and wild gesticulations.
Scenario 2-Mary-Why Aren't I perfect?
Mary has lived her life exactly the way she was ' supposed to,' from primary through young women's, memorizing all the Articles of Faith, getting her YM medallion, dressing 'modestly' and only double dating. During her year at BYU, she adhered to the honor code and waited for Mr right. When she met him at the singles ward FHE, Tom seemed to be perfect, fresh from a mission overseas, he was charming, handsome and worldly (in a righteous way). After a brief engagement, they were sealed for all time and eternity in the temple. Within a few months she was pregnant with the first of 5 kids. Now she is sitting in Gospel Doctrine thinking back to where things went wrong.
It is was her wedding day, during the endowment session where the doubts began. The temple was supposed to be the most sacred place on earth, as close to the celestial kingdom as you could get on earth. Instead, it was strange, after being touched strangely during the initiatory and dressing in odd white clothes, she experienced bizarre rituals (that she would later learn were Masonic in origin) and made covenants not to Heavenly Father, but to her husband. Then the sealing was beautiful but odd, someone they didn't know spoke at length about chastity and sacred covenants. That night, the honeymoon was a nightmare. Two virgins who had been brought up being told that sex was sinful and 'dirty' trying to make love after the surreal temple ceremonies left her feeling confused, guilty, and unfulfilled.
Her love life never really improved, sex was something to be endured at the whims of her husband, who was clueless as to her needs or how to satisfy them. The only good she found from sex, was getting pregnant. Her role of wife wasn't what she had expected, but motherhood, this was her divine purpose!
Tom was a good provider, worthy priesthood holder and a good friend, he would be a great father. A the children came, so did the post-partem depression and Tom 's increased work schedule and church callings. Mary was left alone struggling to take care of the children, clean the home, cook dinner, prepare primary lessons and submit to her husband 's needs when she did actually see him. Mary loved her husband and her children, her life, on the surface, appeared to be perfect. Inside, however, Mary was miserable, depressed and hated herself for falling so short of the perfection that she had been raised to expect. She goes through the motions, fulfills her callings, reads her scriptures, says her prayers, conducts FHE, and thinks thank there has to be something wrong with her because she isn't happy.
Then, one day at the library, after wrangling the young ones to story time she picks up a copy of Mormon Enigma, surely she will find inspiration from how Emma struggled as the prophet 's wife. Next comes In Sacred Loneliness. Alone with the baby, while Tom and the kids are at work and school, Mary loses her testimony page by page, book by book. Despite the truth she has found, she is still in denial, obviously, she must be in the grip of Satan. She continues to fake it for years, going through the motions of Church, Callings, etc all the while continuing to spend time now and again reading 'non-faith promoting' books in secret. She learns more and more over the years, guilt and cognitive dissonance building until the shelf finally breaks, maybe it is the eldest son's farewell, or temple marriage, or maybe her baby's baptism that sets it off, It simply could be a discussion in Relief Society, but she breaks down and confesses to Tom her doubts and fears.
Now, we come to the believing spouse's reactions. We will see how they can respond in completely understandable, yet negative ways, that can be the difference between rescuing their loved one and strengthening their marriage, or alienating them and destroying their 'forever family.'
Sarah-My Husband is in the grasp of Satan!
Sarah came home from church that Sunday feeling uplifted and renewed. Sacrament meeting is always a way to recharge her spiritual batteries. She loved the ward, and all her friends in Relief Society. As she began preparing dinner, she just knew that it was going to be a great day. The girls were chatting excitedly about Young Women's as the helped with the chicken, when John came home from his duties in another ward he would smell the delicious mean cooking and smile contentedly. He hadn't been smiling a lot lately, and he seemed so distant; today things would be better.
When John was late, she didn't worry, he often ended up spending extra time at other wards. It did bother her a little that his calling required so much time away from the family, but she was so proud that he was always magnifying his priesthood so righteously.
John finally gets home, over 90 minutes late. He seems somewhat stressed, but dismisses her worries with a quick kiss and settles down for dinner. After dinner, as the girls clean up he takes Sarah to their room and asks her to sit by him on the bed.
"I resigned my calling today. " he starts, "The church isn't true" is the last thing she really hears as John goes on for what seems like an eternity, pacing, waving his arms, and spewing apostate blasphemy. Sarah sits in stunned silence throughout his tirade, tears running down her cheeks. When it ends he sits by her side, looking expectantly in her eyes. She can feel him yearning for her to say she understands and that everything is all right. "We need to pray!" she sobs. "Did you even hear a word I said? " he says, stunned at her lack of understanding.
Sarah bolts from the room and locks herself in the master bathroom where she falls to her knees and begins weeping in prayer. "Dear heavenly father, please help us! John is in Satan 's grip!" The prayer goes on for nearly 30 minutes. When she emerges, John is nowhere to be found. Her daughters tell her he stormed out and drove off and ask her what is wrong. She brushes their questions aside, assuring them that he is just stressed about stake business. How could she tell them that their father, the priesthood holder of their home is in apostasy?
Over the next few weeks, and uneasy truce is in effect. John has promised not to talk about any of his 'issues' with the kids, and to give Sarah time to process everything. Sarah has promised not to file for divorce. She has met with the Bishop and Stake president, who both assure her that this is just a mid-life crisis, and vow to help see her family through this difficult time. John has spent Sundays out hiking. Sarah takes small comfort in the fact that his callings often kept him away from their home ward, so his absence doesn't raise eyebrows. Yet she feels the eyes of others judging her, and pitying her.
When the Bishop and his wife 'stop by' Sarah talks with her in the kitchen as the men get down to business in the living room . Soon the men's voices start to rise and suddenly she hears John loudly stating "That's bullshit! " Moments later the Bishop enters the kitchen, red-faced, apologizing and promising to pray for her family.
Sarah walks into the living room to find John pacing angrily. The fight that follows is the most intense and heartbreaking of their 27 year marriage. It is clear to her that this is not the man she married. Surprised by her own fury she screams at him to get out of her house and not to return until he has repented.
The separation and ensuing divorce is devastating to both of them and especially so on the children who are caught in the middle and forced to take sides. The custody and visitation battle is particularly brutal, as Sarah fights to keep her young daughters safe from the dangerous ideas of their 'evil' father, who is just as vehemently fighting to free them from the 'brainwashing' of 'that phony cult'.
In the end everyone loses, a forever family is no more.
It is easy to see how John and Sarah could have handled everything differently and
been more considerate of others feelings. The crisis of faith may still have ended the marriage, but it could have been much less damaging to all involved, and relationships could be maintained.
Tom-Woman Troubles.
Sitting next to Mary in bed as she begins sobbing out her hysterical rant about doubting the church, Tom is confused at first. Mary is proclaiming her love for him and yet speaking blasphemy about the church and Joseph Smith and everything that Tom believes in. His confusion soon turns to anger as he begins to understand the depths of her dishonesty and deceptiveness. For the past several years it seems she has been keeping secrets from him, living a double life. He doesn't hear or chooses to ignore what she is saying as his mind is filled with questions. What exactly does she do all day? Who has she been talking about all this with? How can he trust anything she says? Is she having an affair? He finally explodes and begins calling her to repentance. demanding that she submit to his priesthood authority. Her refusal and the spark of rebellion in her eye both frightens and infuriates him. He sleeps fitfully on the couch, thankful only that the church abandoned polygamy, How did the early pioneers handle more than one wife?
Waking early, he slips out before she rises and heads to work. Later that morning he calls his friend, the 1st counselor in the Bishopric and arrange for him to 'have a talk with Mary" and get to the bottom of this. That night Mary is at first apologetic and conciliatory, she has made his favorite dinner and the family meal is very pleasant and all is as it should be. Later, after the kids are in bed, Tom informs her that she needs to go talk with the Bishopric tomorrow night and Mary comes unglued, crying and screaming at him about betraying her trust! Tom has had enough and begins berating her in a tone of voice he usually saves for when the children need to be disciplined. As things get more heated he begins belittling and breaking her down emotionally. She Will Obey Him!
The bishopric meeting serves to further humble and take the rebellious spirit out of Mary. She agrees to see a counselor to deal with her "depression and delusions." Things seem to be getting better over the next couple of months. Tom even consents to join her for some marriage counselling, but this turns out to be a mistake, as Mary begins telling a complete stranger about their sex life and openly discussing words like 'foreplay' and 'orgasm' and Tom storms out.
Tom refuses to allow Mary to return to counselling and begins a campaign of righteous dominion, enlisting the bishopric to help drive out Mary's sinful spirit. He makes it very clear that she cannot get along without him. Where would she go? How would she make ends meet? She has no marketable skills. By the time she gets through a church disciplinary court, there is no chance she is going to get the kids from him.
If she stays, she is marginalized, treated like she is somehow damaged, and slowly dies a little each day. If she stands up to him, her life will be irrevocably changed and her family ripped apart.
These are purely fictional accounts, made up in my fevered brain. But, they are based on dozens of similarly sad stories. "Forever Families "don't seem to mean much when one spouse has a crisis of faith.
I've recently been involved in a new Facebook group, Former Mormons with Believing Spouses, and I keep being dismayed and saddened as I read of another loving husband moving out at wife's insistence or about the wife whose husband won't talk to her, or even touch he'd because she has confessed her doubts. In our little group, we are trying to figure out how to save these marriages and encourage better communication and connection. The problem, it seems is that those believing spouses will not even consider discussing their concerns and seeking support. The apostate spouse is simply wrong, something to be feared or fixed. The odds that the person reading this is a believer is pretty slim, if your spouse shared this with you and you actually took the time to read it, thank you. Know this, your marriage can be saved, it won't be easy, but it can be done. If you read the above stories and thought "Well, that wasn't handled well, " then maybe you will be able to reach out to your spouse and help them through this crisis together.
In the next installment, we will look at how both the believing and doubting spouse can respect, support and try to understand each other.
MormonthinkMormonthinkMormonthink
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
But I'm a Terrible Mormon Husband.
"I just have to be honest with you, I don't believe in the LDS Church. Not even a little."
I couldn't believe I was blurting this out over rib tips at Famous Daves. This was a conversation I had been preparing for and dreading for months now, and this was not how I planned this. My wife of nearly 20 years sat across the table in stunned silence as I stumbled through a confession I wasn't quite ready to deliver.
Everything I had learned told me this was NOT how to do this.
Never in a public place.
Not until you are ready.
I had decided that March was the target zone. My wife's birtheday was the Feb. 6, Valentine's Day was out, and now here I was on President's Day coming out of the closet as a non-believer in a public place when I wasn't ready.
We had been talking about friends of ours who had been dealing with marital problems and other issues that led to divorce and she was saying how ". . .when they have these problems and they don't talk about things that are bothering them and they just let things bottle up. When you have these things that bother you, you have to communicate and share. . .etc."(She is a counselor for LDSSS). And so I did.
She sat quietly and listened as I tried to explain how I had been studying church history. She smiled as I explained how I had realized that I really did love her so much that I had to be honest with her and with myself. She held my hand as I wept telling her about the last ditch temple session that was the final nail in the coffin of my pitiful testimony. When I finished she was quiet for a bit and then she finally spoke.
"But you're still a good man. You still love me and I still love you, that doesn't change." She was a little sad, but not really surprised, and since that day she has reacted to me with the most amazing kindness, love and understanding. I am so very lucky to have such an amazing woman. After years of faking even a minimum of interest in the church, I couldn't do it anymore, and my Primary President wife was completely ok with it. She was supportive, loving and I still well up everytime I think of how truly lucky I am to have her.
I was never the model 'Peter Priesthood' type. I had hated the church since I was a kid, and somehow I had ended up married into it, serving callings, paying tithing and wasting my Sundays. For the last couple of years I had only gone to Sacrament. Once I had completed all 500 crosswords on my little hand held game, I started reading to get through the 75 minutes of mind-numbing tedium that I resented every minute of. I would slip into the clerk's office and write down the count and print whatever reports or certificates needed printing and walk the Hell home. My Home Teaching record was nearly perfect, I had 17 straight years of never doing it before I finally messed up and answered the phone before checking the caller ID. I listened to Thrash Metal rather that all those 3-named LDS artists. I drank coffee at work. I watched R rated movies and said the 'Fuck' word. I peeked during prayer. I always thought Joseph Smith was a fraud. I stayed in bed until my wife went to the bathroom in the morning and then quickly dressed in my 'real' underwear. I couldn't tell Boyd B. Oaks from Henry F. Packer, and I didn't care. I couldn't quote scripture. I didn't know the diference between Abinadi and Abagofsmashedassholes. I was a bad Mormon.
I was also a loving and caring husband. After 19 years of marriage we still held hands and snuck kisses. I suffered through all that church crap because I loved her and it was important to her. I blessed and baptized my son and daughter, and held my tongue and went along with bogus teachings that were foisted upon my kids because I didn't want them being faithless doubters like their evil old man and because it was important to my wife. As I entered the world of the disaffected and read many stories of marriages ruined because of one spouse's doubts, I realized how much I truly loved my wife and didn't want to lose her. I committed myself to showing her that love everyday. This wasn't to butter her up for the bad news, this was earnest, caring love. When I began to see hope of getting out from under the oppressive, narrowminded stranglehold of the church, I began to see that the resentment and anger that I felt towards my wife was just sublimation of my feelings about the church. I stopped seeing her as the reason for my unhappiness and began to recognize that she was the one thing I did believe in.
I had been creeping around behind her back with another way of thinking and I felt shitty about it. Now that things were out in the open, I began to feel a sense of happiness and freedom that I hadn't felt in years. We were connecting at a level of honest communication that had always seemed out of reach. We talked about my feelings and beliefs or the lack thereof. We talked about our marriage and our kids and our future. We cried, we held each other and we affirmed our love for each other. We came to an understanding. We set ground rules and boundaries. We promised to work through things together.
That was almost 6 months ago, and a lot has happened since then. The first amazing thing was just a couple of weeks later when she came with me to a Post-mormon meeting. It was a little awkward, but everyone was very nice and respectful. She has since gone so far as spending my birthday weekend with ex-mos 300 miles away just so I could attend a book club on "Insider's View of Mormon Origins." She even made a pie! The reception and treatment we have gotten from them has been amazing. I have been able to attend Mormon Expression live events, go to Atheist book clubs and she even has allowed me to drink the occaisional adult beverage now and then. I know I am truly lucky, and I try to express that to her every day. Yes, the snuggling is much better and more frequent too!
While I have had my Facebook groups and ex-mo meet-ups for support, she doesn't have that much support. She isn't much for on-line stuff, and can't really discuss this with her Primary counselors. We decided to confide in one of her brothers and one of her sisters so that she could have someone to talk to about this. That has resulted in a distance and awkwardness between us and them, and in me being 'unfriended' because of some of my Facebook posts. The most notable of those was the one that I felt was a great story of unconditional love and acceptance, but was referred to as me 'preaching false doctrine,' a nice little article with a catchy title from Salon.com. We are holding back from talking to the rest of her family for now. There will be issues arising as we face nephew baptisms and other church events, and we will face them (and her family) head on, together.
My wife has a testimony of the Church and what it does for her in her life, and doesn't care about historical issues or doctrinal inconsistencies, and doesn't want to know. I respect that and as much as we talk, we don't talk about those issues. I know that she has a deep and abiding love for Heavenly Father and her Savior, and I would never do anything to destroy that. She is not a TBM (True Believing Mormon). She is fairly liberal, and the Church is a large cultural part of who she is, and as much as I want her to understand and recognize what I see as complete horseshit, I will keep my promise and not try to drag her out of the Church with me. But if and when she asks, I have started this blog with the hope that someday she will read it and follow the information to the conclusion that she too can be free from the lies. She may not, and if I can accept that with even half of the grace, love and beauty she has accepted me with, we will be just fine.
I'm not pretending anymore. I can openly read whatever I want. I can enjoy my Sundays. I got a 10% raise! I can enjoy a fine cabernet with my steak instead of a Diet Coke. I am free to seek after God or not in my own way. I can now be authentically who I am without trying to abide (or at least pretend to abide) by the dictates of a bunch of octegenarians or the charismatic hillbilly with an Abraham fetish and his make-believe golden bible.
I was a terrible Mormon husband, now I am a wonderful apostate Hubby!
I couldn't believe I was blurting this out over rib tips at Famous Daves. This was a conversation I had been preparing for and dreading for months now, and this was not how I planned this. My wife of nearly 20 years sat across the table in stunned silence as I stumbled through a confession I wasn't quite ready to deliver.
Everything I had learned told me this was NOT how to do this.
Never in a public place.
Not until you are ready.
I had decided that March was the target zone. My wife's birtheday was the Feb. 6, Valentine's Day was out, and now here I was on President's Day coming out of the closet as a non-believer in a public place when I wasn't ready.
We had been talking about friends of ours who had been dealing with marital problems and other issues that led to divorce and she was saying how ". . .when they have these problems and they don't talk about things that are bothering them and they just let things bottle up. When you have these things that bother you, you have to communicate and share. . .etc."(She is a counselor for LDSSS). And so I did.
She sat quietly and listened as I tried to explain how I had been studying church history. She smiled as I explained how I had realized that I really did love her so much that I had to be honest with her and with myself. She held my hand as I wept telling her about the last ditch temple session that was the final nail in the coffin of my pitiful testimony. When I finished she was quiet for a bit and then she finally spoke.
"But you're still a good man. You still love me and I still love you, that doesn't change." She was a little sad, but not really surprised, and since that day she has reacted to me with the most amazing kindness, love and understanding. I am so very lucky to have such an amazing woman. After years of faking even a minimum of interest in the church, I couldn't do it anymore, and my Primary President wife was completely ok with it. She was supportive, loving and I still well up everytime I think of how truly lucky I am to have her.
I was never the model 'Peter Priesthood' type. I had hated the church since I was a kid, and somehow I had ended up married into it, serving callings, paying tithing and wasting my Sundays. For the last couple of years I had only gone to Sacrament. Once I had completed all 500 crosswords on my little hand held game, I started reading to get through the 75 minutes of mind-numbing tedium that I resented every minute of. I would slip into the clerk's office and write down the count and print whatever reports or certificates needed printing and walk the Hell home. My Home Teaching record was nearly perfect, I had 17 straight years of never doing it before I finally messed up and answered the phone before checking the caller ID. I listened to Thrash Metal rather that all those 3-named LDS artists. I drank coffee at work. I watched R rated movies and said the 'Fuck' word. I peeked during prayer. I always thought Joseph Smith was a fraud. I stayed in bed until my wife went to the bathroom in the morning and then quickly dressed in my 'real' underwear. I couldn't tell Boyd B. Oaks from Henry F. Packer, and I didn't care. I couldn't quote scripture. I didn't know the diference between Abinadi and Abagofsmashedassholes. I was a bad Mormon.
I was also a loving and caring husband. After 19 years of marriage we still held hands and snuck kisses. I suffered through all that church crap because I loved her and it was important to her. I blessed and baptized my son and daughter, and held my tongue and went along with bogus teachings that were foisted upon my kids because I didn't want them being faithless doubters like their evil old man and because it was important to my wife. As I entered the world of the disaffected and read many stories of marriages ruined because of one spouse's doubts, I realized how much I truly loved my wife and didn't want to lose her. I committed myself to showing her that love everyday. This wasn't to butter her up for the bad news, this was earnest, caring love. When I began to see hope of getting out from under the oppressive, narrowminded stranglehold of the church, I began to see that the resentment and anger that I felt towards my wife was just sublimation of my feelings about the church. I stopped seeing her as the reason for my unhappiness and began to recognize that she was the one thing I did believe in.
I had been creeping around behind her back with another way of thinking and I felt shitty about it. Now that things were out in the open, I began to feel a sense of happiness and freedom that I hadn't felt in years. We were connecting at a level of honest communication that had always seemed out of reach. We talked about my feelings and beliefs or the lack thereof. We talked about our marriage and our kids and our future. We cried, we held each other and we affirmed our love for each other. We came to an understanding. We set ground rules and boundaries. We promised to work through things together.
That was almost 6 months ago, and a lot has happened since then. The first amazing thing was just a couple of weeks later when she came with me to a Post-mormon meeting. It was a little awkward, but everyone was very nice and respectful. She has since gone so far as spending my birthday weekend with ex-mos 300 miles away just so I could attend a book club on "Insider's View of Mormon Origins." She even made a pie! The reception and treatment we have gotten from them has been amazing. I have been able to attend Mormon Expression live events, go to Atheist book clubs and she even has allowed me to drink the occaisional adult beverage now and then. I know I am truly lucky, and I try to express that to her every day. Yes, the snuggling is much better and more frequent too!
While I have had my Facebook groups and ex-mo meet-ups for support, she doesn't have that much support. She isn't much for on-line stuff, and can't really discuss this with her Primary counselors. We decided to confide in one of her brothers and one of her sisters so that she could have someone to talk to about this. That has resulted in a distance and awkwardness between us and them, and in me being 'unfriended' because of some of my Facebook posts. The most notable of those was the one that I felt was a great story of unconditional love and acceptance, but was referred to as me 'preaching false doctrine,' a nice little article with a catchy title from Salon.com. We are holding back from talking to the rest of her family for now. There will be issues arising as we face nephew baptisms and other church events, and we will face them (and her family) head on, together.
My wife has a testimony of the Church and what it does for her in her life, and doesn't care about historical issues or doctrinal inconsistencies, and doesn't want to know. I respect that and as much as we talk, we don't talk about those issues. I know that she has a deep and abiding love for Heavenly Father and her Savior, and I would never do anything to destroy that. She is not a TBM (True Believing Mormon). She is fairly liberal, and the Church is a large cultural part of who she is, and as much as I want her to understand and recognize what I see as complete horseshit, I will keep my promise and not try to drag her out of the Church with me. But if and when she asks, I have started this blog with the hope that someday she will read it and follow the information to the conclusion that she too can be free from the lies. She may not, and if I can accept that with even half of the grace, love and beauty she has accepted me with, we will be just fine.
I'm not pretending anymore. I can openly read whatever I want. I can enjoy my Sundays. I got a 10% raise! I can enjoy a fine cabernet with my steak instead of a Diet Coke. I am free to seek after God or not in my own way. I can now be authentically who I am without trying to abide (or at least pretend to abide) by the dictates of a bunch of octegenarians or the charismatic hillbilly with an Abraham fetish and his make-believe golden bible.
I was a terrible Mormon husband, now I am a wonderful apostate Hubby!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
My Disaffection Part 2- I find out how the sausage was made.
For those of you following along, you will remember that my last post, I shared the story of my discovering the world of Atheism and how I was enlightened by the top figures in this area, Hitchens, Dawkins and Harris.
The introduction to critical and logical study of religious claims let quite naturally to looking at the religion I had spent the last 19 years grumbling through because it was important to my darling wife. Now I was essentially cheating on her with another way of thinking. I was faced with a crisis of personal integrity. I knew that I didn't believe in the church anymore. It would be pretty hard for me to have believed in it less. I had to be honest with myself and with her, and I had to stop all this philosophical philandering. The big question was:
I started googling variations on the following: "Atheist married to Mormon" I was looking for a way to maintain my marriage in the light of my rapidly dying (it was never very healthy) testimony.
That is how I found Mormon Expression podcast (you can find it Here). I found a group of Mormons of varying degrees of disbelief, from angry ex-Mormons who had officially resigned, to the infuriating yet admirable TBM (True Believer Mormon) Mike Tannehill. John Larson and his lovely wife Zilpha have, over the course of several years and over 200 episodes, explored Mormonism from nearly every angle with the help of a cast of wonderful friends and dozens of notable experts. These were amazing. Here I found others who felt and thought as I did. This was not a group of outsiders spreading 'anti' propaganda, these were people who grew up in, served missions for, were married in the temples of and believed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (COJCOLDS). Now they were coming out and sharing the view from the inside and the problems they found that led them to conclude that everything they once believed was a lie. When I wasn't reading, I was listening to these podcasts. My MP3 player had the option to play podcasts at a slightly faster speed, and I flew through episode after episode as they informed, amused and amazed me with their earnest, chipmunk voices.
I could go on and on about them and recommend about 100 episodes, which have helped me along my way. But for now, just a few all time faves that will give you a good intro:
175-top-10-reasons-to-stay-in-the-church 176-top-10-reasons-to-leave-the-church These two present the challenge that faces someone who loses their belief. The humor and frank discussion blend well to present a well thought out case.
94-mixed-feelings-for-mormonism Things to love and hate about the church. John's rant is epic.
89a-14-fundamentals-following-prophet-for-dummies-part-1 89b-14-fundamentals-part-2 These emphasized the pervasive feeling that we should all just shut up and pray pay and obey.
76-mistakes-were-made-how-not-to-leave-the-church I heard stories of others who were faced with the prospect of telling their beloved spouse that they no longer believed. I learned from the advice they shared along with the mistakes they made along the way. I was advised to take this transition slowly, be respectful and show her that I still love her and I am not a different person. I found that overloading my wife with all my issues and the things I found would be a big mistake.
These and many others opened my eyes to a panorama of historical and doctrinal conundrums that were part and parcel of the LDS religion. They also led to more books and more questions. Those books led to other books, and more questions and still more books and more questions.
You see, in the last 19 years I haven't really given two shits about the church. I didn't care about Joseph Smith, Nephi, Brigham Young, Korihor, or Hugh Nibley. I never paid any attention to General conference or read the Ensign. I just sat through the damn meetings because I had to. I believed it was pretty much all bullshit anyway, so why waste another second outside of those boring damn meetings? But now, I became pretty obsessed with understanding how the so-called 'true church' had failed me some completely and yet sunk its tentacles in nearly every area of my life. It was fascinating. It was like a car wreck; you can't help but look at all the gore and destruction. So in addition to listening to ME podcasts whenever I could, I was reading more books, books that I was still hiding from my wife.
One of the first that I read was John Krakauer's
Under the Banner of Heaven
This led to wanting to know more about that old Primary story they always told us when we were forced to attend Primary. Thinking back to those quaint songs- "Mountain Meadows Massacre my teacher tells to me are about the Brighamites and the Fancher One-Twent-EE." Oh, wait, they never told us anything about Mountain Meadows in Primary ever! I heard all about the handcart pioneers and Haun's Mill, but I never heard this anywhere in church.
My local Library claims to have Juanita Brooks' classic "Mountain-Meadows-Massacre" -Amazon but I'm still on the waiting list. So I went with the next best thing, Will Bagley's
"Blood of the Prophets" -Amazon Here I had a historian and scholar of the overland migration explaining how a group of emigrants were slaughtered in cold blood while crossing through the Mormon territory. This book I read in plain view. I considered it "safe" to let my wife know I was reading. It was to be my first breadcrumb on the trail out of the shadows and into the open. I discussed this book with my family and did my best to present a fair and semi objective summary. I walked the line between "Brigham Young had them 'Used up' and essentially condoned if not tacitly ordered those people to be slaughtered," and "It was a big misunderstanding and those mean, old lamanites did a terrible thing and made the church look bad." You can see how well I concealed my personal bias in the matter. This bit of church history fills me with revulsion and flat out pisses me off. (Yes I know about Mormons being persecuted, and that is terrible as well, but this was not only a brutal act of religious intolerance or persecution. This was cold blooded murder compounded by deception, collusion and conspiracy. The glimpse of the character of Brigham Young (beloved prophet) is just the tip of the iceberg of evil, crazy shit that came from the church's 2nd President. I have yet to delve too much deeper into studying him.
While I was openly reading Bagley at home, in secret I had been pouring through Grant Palmer's
"An Insiders View Mormon Origins' -Amazon Palmer is not some outside mountain climber/crime writer or cowboy historian, he is a "three-time director of LDS Institutes of Religion in California and Utah, a former instructor at the Church College of New Zealand, and an LDS seminary teacher at two Utah locations. He has been active in the Mormon History Association and on the board of directors of the Salt Lake Legal Defenders Association." -Amazon About the Author. If you are going to read one of the books I have read, this is the one I would most strongly recommend. This book is the most informative and most thought-provoking book about the church I have ever read. I've read it twice, I have traveled hundreds of miles to attend a book club and discuss this book. I have listened to several interviews and podcasts with Grant Palmer. Go Read It.
By this point, the wheels had come off the belief bus completely and I was just trying to find the right time and the right way to talk to my wife. I had dropped a few more crumbs, slipping little nuggets into the conversations here and there about the church's misogyny, polygamy and religion in general.
One of Palmer's main sources was the amazing 1945 biography by Fawn M. Brodie.
"No Man Knows My History" -Amazon A niece of future president David O. McKay Brodie was excommunicated in 1946, a year after the publication of this book that non-Mormon critics praise for its literary style, and thorough research, and called a "definitive biography." It is the big bad biography that all good members know is just anti propaganda and lies. As you may have guessed, this too, was hidden in my car.
I read The Nauvoo Expositor -pdf and skimmed through The Journal of Discourses -pdf
I decided to take the open road and got the more 'faith promoting' biography by Richard Bushman,
"Joseph Smith Rough Stone Rolling" -Amazon Bushman presents basically the same view of Joseph Smith that Brodie does, with a more apologetic, and less negative slant. He is still a temple attending member and I believe a Patriarch. So, this book is also sold at Deseret Book, the official Church bookstore. I could read this in the open. Hell, I even read it in church. I found it to be a bit too apologetic and almost seemed like the abused wife trying to sugar coat what an asshole her brute of a husband is. I eventually gave up and finished "No Man Knows My History."
I also displayed this little church sanctioned gem.
"The Journal of Joseph" -Amazon Just a quick note on this one. Boring and a waste of my time, this was my trusty bathroom reading material. sitting openly on the back of the toilet for all to see.
I read the biographies of Porter Rockwell, Wild Bill Hickman, and John D. Lee in the open as well. Those were some old-timey cowboy Mormon Bad-asses!
Next came the "Serious Historian", D Michael Quinn. The end notes of his books are longer than a lot of books others write. He is one of the famous "September Six," a group of BYU professors and academics who were excommunicated as a part of an "Intellectual Purge." I got this:
"Early Mormonism and the Magic World View" -Amazon and one of his Mormon Hierarchy books, big, dry and containing over 400 pages of notes, these books are a hard slog to get through. Dreary as I found this as a read, it also was every bit the scholarly look at all that wackiness that was part of Joseph Smith's treasure seeking and 'peep stone' adventures.
Of course, if you know anything about Mormon history, you know about Polygamy. From Joseph Smith's revelation as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 132, came one of the most controversial LDS tenets, that of polygamy. I soon found that what the church refers today as a minor thing from the past, that has no bearing on today's church was a deep, dark secret that was just as tawdry and appalling as outsiders thought it was. I next read Todd Compton's
I saw behind the curtain at last, and the emperor was butt-assed nekkid! Not only was the church not what it claimed to be, it had purposely set out to ignore, and at times, actively conceal historical facts they found were not "faith promoting."
I've barely scratched the surface here, I haven't mentioned The First Vision, Kirtland banking scandal, Joseph's bid for President, The Book of Abraham, The Kinderhook Plates, the Greek Psalter, The Anton Letter, DNA evidence, Lack of Archaeological proof of the Book of Mormon's claims, and that Soylent Green is people!
That's just the early historical problems, we barely touched Brigham Young and his boat load of crazy. There is and the Racism, the Marc Hoffman "Salamander Letter" and bombing scandal, Boyd K Packer's homophobic rants, City Creek Mall and Prop 8. This fish is rotten from the head on down, and I'm still giving 10% of my income to these assholes.
I had to talk with my wife; I had to come clean about my philosophical problems with the Church. I needed to pick my moment carefully, leave a few more crumbs and eventually when the time was right, I would tell her.
Next Time, Forget the trail of crumbs, here’s the whole damn loaf of bread!
The introduction to critical and logical study of religious claims let quite naturally to looking at the religion I had spent the last 19 years grumbling through because it was important to my darling wife. Now I was essentially cheating on her with another way of thinking. I was faced with a crisis of personal integrity. I knew that I didn't believe in the church anymore. It would be pretty hard for me to have believed in it less. I had to be honest with myself and with her, and I had to stop all this philosophical philandering. The big question was:
How do you tell your LDS wife that you might be an Atheist?
I started googling variations on the following: "Atheist married to Mormon" I was looking for a way to maintain my marriage in the light of my rapidly dying (it was never very healthy) testimony.
That is how I found Mormon Expression podcast (you can find it Here). I found a group of Mormons of varying degrees of disbelief, from angry ex-Mormons who had officially resigned, to the infuriating yet admirable TBM (True Believer Mormon) Mike Tannehill. John Larson and his lovely wife Zilpha have, over the course of several years and over 200 episodes, explored Mormonism from nearly every angle with the help of a cast of wonderful friends and dozens of notable experts. These were amazing. Here I found others who felt and thought as I did. This was not a group of outsiders spreading 'anti' propaganda, these were people who grew up in, served missions for, were married in the temples of and believed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (COJCOLDS). Now they were coming out and sharing the view from the inside and the problems they found that led them to conclude that everything they once believed was a lie. When I wasn't reading, I was listening to these podcasts. My MP3 player had the option to play podcasts at a slightly faster speed, and I flew through episode after episode as they informed, amused and amazed me with their earnest, chipmunk voices.
I could go on and on about them and recommend about 100 episodes, which have helped me along my way. But for now, just a few all time faves that will give you a good intro:
175-top-10-reasons-to-stay-in-the-church 176-top-10-reasons-to-leave-the-church These two present the challenge that faces someone who loses their belief. The humor and frank discussion blend well to present a well thought out case.
94-mixed-feelings-for-mormonism Things to love and hate about the church. John's rant is epic.
89a-14-fundamentals-following-prophet-for-dummies-part-1 89b-14-fundamentals-part-2 These emphasized the pervasive feeling that we should all just shut up and pray pay and obey.
76-mistakes-were-made-how-not-to-leave-the-church I heard stories of others who were faced with the prospect of telling their beloved spouse that they no longer believed. I learned from the advice they shared along with the mistakes they made along the way. I was advised to take this transition slowly, be respectful and show her that I still love her and I am not a different person. I found that overloading my wife with all my issues and the things I found would be a big mistake.
These and many others opened my eyes to a panorama of historical and doctrinal conundrums that were part and parcel of the LDS religion. They also led to more books and more questions. Those books led to other books, and more questions and still more books and more questions.
You see, in the last 19 years I haven't really given two shits about the church. I didn't care about Joseph Smith, Nephi, Brigham Young, Korihor, or Hugh Nibley. I never paid any attention to General conference or read the Ensign. I just sat through the damn meetings because I had to. I believed it was pretty much all bullshit anyway, so why waste another second outside of those boring damn meetings? But now, I became pretty obsessed with understanding how the so-called 'true church' had failed me some completely and yet sunk its tentacles in nearly every area of my life. It was fascinating. It was like a car wreck; you can't help but look at all the gore and destruction. So in addition to listening to ME podcasts whenever I could, I was reading more books, books that I was still hiding from my wife.
One of the first that I read was John Krakauer's
Under the Banner of Heaven This led to wanting to know more about that old Primary story they always told us when we were forced to attend Primary. Thinking back to those quaint songs- "Mountain Meadows Massacre my teacher tells to me are about the Brighamites and the Fancher One-Twent-EE." Oh, wait, they never told us anything about Mountain Meadows in Primary ever! I heard all about the handcart pioneers and Haun's Mill, but I never heard this anywhere in church.
My local Library claims to have Juanita Brooks' classic "Mountain-Meadows-Massacre" -Amazon but I'm still on the waiting list. So I went with the next best thing, Will Bagley's
"Blood of the Prophets" -Amazon Here I had a historian and scholar of the overland migration explaining how a group of emigrants were slaughtered in cold blood while crossing through the Mormon territory. This book I read in plain view. I considered it "safe" to let my wife know I was reading. It was to be my first breadcrumb on the trail out of the shadows and into the open. I discussed this book with my family and did my best to present a fair and semi objective summary. I walked the line between "Brigham Young had them 'Used up' and essentially condoned if not tacitly ordered those people to be slaughtered," and "It was a big misunderstanding and those mean, old lamanites did a terrible thing and made the church look bad." You can see how well I concealed my personal bias in the matter. This bit of church history fills me with revulsion and flat out pisses me off. (Yes I know about Mormons being persecuted, and that is terrible as well, but this was not only a brutal act of religious intolerance or persecution. This was cold blooded murder compounded by deception, collusion and conspiracy. The glimpse of the character of Brigham Young (beloved prophet) is just the tip of the iceberg of evil, crazy shit that came from the church's 2nd President. I have yet to delve too much deeper into studying him. While I was openly reading Bagley at home, in secret I had been pouring through Grant Palmer's
"An Insiders View Mormon Origins' -Amazon Palmer is not some outside mountain climber/crime writer or cowboy historian, he is a "three-time director of LDS Institutes of Religion in California and Utah, a former instructor at the Church College of New Zealand, and an LDS seminary teacher at two Utah locations. He has been active in the Mormon History Association and on the board of directors of the Salt Lake Legal Defenders Association." -Amazon About the Author. If you are going to read one of the books I have read, this is the one I would most strongly recommend. This book is the most informative and most thought-provoking book about the church I have ever read. I've read it twice, I have traveled hundreds of miles to attend a book club and discuss this book. I have listened to several interviews and podcasts with Grant Palmer. Go Read It.By this point, the wheels had come off the belief bus completely and I was just trying to find the right time and the right way to talk to my wife. I had dropped a few more crumbs, slipping little nuggets into the conversations here and there about the church's misogyny, polygamy and religion in general.
One of Palmer's main sources was the amazing 1945 biography by Fawn M. Brodie.
"No Man Knows My History" -Amazon A niece of future president David O. McKay Brodie was excommunicated in 1946, a year after the publication of this book that non-Mormon critics praise for its literary style, and thorough research, and called a "definitive biography." It is the big bad biography that all good members know is just anti propaganda and lies. As you may have guessed, this too, was hidden in my car. I read The Nauvoo Expositor -pdf and skimmed through The Journal of Discourses -pdf
I decided to take the open road and got the more 'faith promoting' biography by Richard Bushman,
"Joseph Smith Rough Stone Rolling" -Amazon Bushman presents basically the same view of Joseph Smith that Brodie does, with a more apologetic, and less negative slant. He is still a temple attending member and I believe a Patriarch. So, this book is also sold at Deseret Book, the official Church bookstore. I could read this in the open. Hell, I even read it in church. I found it to be a bit too apologetic and almost seemed like the abused wife trying to sugar coat what an asshole her brute of a husband is. I eventually gave up and finished "No Man Knows My History." I also displayed this little church sanctioned gem.
"The Journal of Joseph" -Amazon Just a quick note on this one. Boring and a waste of my time, this was my trusty bathroom reading material. sitting openly on the back of the toilet for all to see.I read the biographies of Porter Rockwell, Wild Bill Hickman, and John D. Lee in the open as well. Those were some old-timey cowboy Mormon Bad-asses!
Next came the "Serious Historian", D Michael Quinn. The end notes of his books are longer than a lot of books others write. He is one of the famous "September Six," a group of BYU professors and academics who were excommunicated as a part of an "Intellectual Purge." I got this:
"Early Mormonism and the Magic World View" -Amazon and one of his Mormon Hierarchy books, big, dry and containing over 400 pages of notes, these books are a hard slog to get through. Dreary as I found this as a read, it also was every bit the scholarly look at all that wackiness that was part of Joseph Smith's treasure seeking and 'peep stone' adventures.Of course, if you know anything about Mormon history, you know about Polygamy. From Joseph Smith's revelation as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 132, came one of the most controversial LDS tenets, that of polygamy. I soon found that what the church refers today as a minor thing from the past, that has no bearing on today's church was a deep, dark secret that was just as tawdry and appalling as outsiders thought it was. I next read Todd Compton's
I saw behind the curtain at last, and the emperor was butt-assed nekkid! Not only was the church not what it claimed to be, it had purposely set out to ignore, and at times, actively conceal historical facts they found were not "faith promoting."
I've barely scratched the surface here, I haven't mentioned The First Vision, Kirtland banking scandal, Joseph's bid for President, The Book of Abraham, The Kinderhook Plates, the Greek Psalter, The Anton Letter, DNA evidence, Lack of Archaeological proof of the Book of Mormon's claims, and that Soylent Green is people!
That's just the early historical problems, we barely touched Brigham Young and his boat load of crazy. There is and the Racism, the Marc Hoffman "Salamander Letter" and bombing scandal, Boyd K Packer's homophobic rants, City Creek Mall and Prop 8. This fish is rotten from the head on down, and I'm still giving 10% of my income to these assholes.
I had to talk with my wife; I had to come clean about my philosophical problems with the Church. I needed to pick my moment carefully, leave a few more crumbs and eventually when the time was right, I would tell her.
Next Time, Forget the trail of crumbs, here’s the whole damn loaf of bread!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
My Disaffection part 1 -from Atheist to Apostate.
Previously, on Apostate Fokker, we met the protagonist, a NRBM (Never Really Believing Mormon) who had spent the last 191/2 years married to an amazing and wonderful woman who he deeply loves. For the sake of his wife and family, he has been 'pretending' or 'faking it 'til he makes it' in the "one and only true church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (COJCOLDS)."
In this installment, I will explore the beginnings of my disaffection, and share with you the sources that I found on way. It all started with a Book.
In December I was strolling through the I.F. Public Library looking for some new books; maybe another Vince Flynn style thriller, full of political intrigue; perhaps another Rock Biography/Memoir. Wait a minute, what is this?
I like Penn and Teller, and this looked like just the book I needed to read. It was. I surreptitiously got his book home and began reading it at work and when I was alone. I'll spare you the full review, but basically it is a fairly humorous look at how a loud mouthed, smart-alecky atheist came to be. The phrase that is used over and over is simple and resonated with me.
I Don't Know.
"Being an atheist means you don't believe in God. When someone asks if God exists and you humbly say "I don't know." you've answered the question honestly. Once you've answered 'I don't know' regarding the existence of a God, the answer to whether you believe in God pretty much has to be 'No.' That doesn't mean that you are saying it's impossible for there to be a God or we couldn't have evidence of a God in the future. It just means that right now, you don't know, and if you don't know, you can't believe. Believing cannot rise out of "I don't know." -Penn Jillette
It made a whole lot of sense. Way more than this whacked out religion I was playing along with. The book wasn't too deep, yet it definitely made me think as much as it made me laugh. I would recommend it as an intro level atheist book, and for the laughs. It woke me up and cracked me up. More importantly, it led me to the BIG 3 of Atheism, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Sam Harris.
I put books on hold at the library, and while waiting for them to come in, I began watching Hitchens' debates and 'Hitchslaps' on YouTube. The man was a Genius. Intelligent, well spoken, and firm in his convictions, he was a hero to me. Hitchens was an author, journalist, and world traveler. He has been in war zones all over the world and was called upon to testify before the Catholic Church on the canonization of Mother Theresa as a Saint. Of course he liked to drink fine scotch and he smoked, so obviously, nothing he said should mean anything to anyone. Isn't that right Mr. Ad Hominem?
He is abrasive and in your face, unapologetic, frank and just plain awe inspiring in his intellect.
Finally the next book arrived:
This book stayed in my car, in the back seat, under a jacket. This was not a book that I wanted my wife to see me reading and start asking questions about. I wasn't ready to answer them, for her, or for myself. I just knew I wanted more of this thinking and frank discussion about the existence of God and the poison of religion. By the time I was reading this, I had heard most of his arguments from all of the lectures, debates and compilation videos. As brilliant a book as this is, reading Hitchens pales in comparison to hearing and seeing him in action. Nonetheless, I eagerly devoured it. Best of both worlds, I now have the audio book read by the author himself.
This was immediately followed by
Richard Dawkins is the Sciencey Atheist, and a Brit by birth. It could just be that I'm a sucker for accents, but I loved this one too. He does come across as Mr. Smarty-pants, and his complete distaste for religion is palpable. Obviously, this shiny book was kept well out of sight as I was delving further into disbelief.
I also listened to the audio book of Sam Harris' 'Letter to a Christian Nation' -Amazon. Harris also takes Religion to task and clearly states his position when it comes to God and believers.
I had discovered a whole new world of thought that made complete sense to me, in every way that the Church and it's teachings did not. Was I an Atheist? Could I continue to pretend in something that I found completely untenable? How would this affect my marriage and my family?
This is where I really started feeling dishonest and sneaky. I was hiding books and watching videos with InPrivate browsing and deleting my history. This was worse than Porn, (and all Mormons know how bad porn is, one peek at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine and you are an addict!) I started feeling guilty and I knew I needed to talk with my wife honestly about my doubts-but how? I spoke before about promising myself I would be honest with my wife. This was no cup of coffee. This was A BIG DEAL!!! And I was sneaking around, hiding books and sneaking around the Internet. I had to tell her about this stuff, we had to talk. I couldn't completely say "I am an ATHEIST!" to me yet, let alone her, but I had to find a way to bridge the gap that I felt was growing between us. But how do you approach such an important conversation?
Find out how I did it in the next installment of 'My Disaffection.'
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