Latter-Day Shitheads

The Church of Jesus Christ of Geriatrics Homophobes has tripped over their own dicks once again.

Despite the calculated PR move behind their Mormons and gays Website which purportedly is aimed at promoting that we all 'love one another', they have drawn a pretty clear line in the sand.

On the heels of M. Russell, 'Lipstick' Ballard's address at the WCF* an organization characterized as a hate group by the Southern Poverty law center, the church has now declared that anyone in a same-gender marriage is in apostasy. This from a 'leaked' change to the super-secret Church Handbook of Instruction  1. This is the book only Bishops and Stake presidents and higher are privy to. The handbook clearly ranks same gender marriage as grounds for mandatory discipline, and categorizes it as worse than attempted murder and forcible rape!

 Additionally, as if this wasn't bad enough, in a manner more befitting La Cosa Nostra than a supposedly Christ led church, they are going after their kids.

Children with any parent in a same gender relationship (marriage, cohabitation,  etc) are to be excludes from being blessed as an infant, baptised at 8 or serving missions at 18, until and only if, at 18, they disavow same gender marriage and leave their home. This is supposedly a way to protect the children. After all, we wouldn't want them being taught contradictory ideas in the home from what is taught in church.

Naturally,  when the Bloggernacle and social media went ape-shit, the church put together a 'press conference' which consisted of an executive from the Church's own PR firm interviewing an apostle, D. Todd Christofferson (I'm guessing the 'd' is for douche). Who, rather than apologize for this shameful policy, doubled down on the 'Homosexuality is a sin' angle, reiterated that this is out of 'love and compassion' and finished with an admonition.    "The church, of course, doesn't attempt to practice mind control, and people have varying opinions. It's only a problem if, there is advocacy and people lobby and advocate against the standard, and the uh, the very clear and expressed position of the church, as it has been stated repeatedly and again now."  In other words, "Shut up and deal with it!"

Aside from the exmo community going batshit, The church has just thrown a massive pile of bullshit onto the already precariously sagging shelves of so many believers. Cafeteria Mormons as well as TBMs are struggling to find a way to remain members of a church that has seemingly thrown in with the Westboro Baptists and other hate groups.

I'd love to see just how many resignation requests are sent in during the next few days and weeks. My Facebook feed is full of posts asking about how to resign. Many former Mormons with spouses still active in the church are reporting that this was the last straw for their spouses. Many who simply, stopped attending or 'inactives' or 'Jack Mormons are coming forward asking about the resignation process. **

As a resigned apostate and LGBT ally myself, I can't help but wonder how long until my still-believing wife is put in the position of being asked to disavow me. Probably soon after this blog post. Fortunately,  she too is shocked and dismayed by this.

The church has a history of sticking to their guns on issues, (polygamy, Blacks and the Priesthood) only to cave once social pressure, usually in a form that directly threatens their corporation's bottom line. This time, we'll see how it plays out, but with the 'traditional family' being so intrinsically linked to the very heart of church doctrine and the eternal plan of salvation,  it seems they are going to stick to their divisive stance.  A nevermo friend of mine said, "Frankly, I hope they stand their ground for a change. I don't agree with them, but if you draw a line in the sand, back it up, goddamnit."  For now, it appears that they ate hoing to continie to be bigoted asshats while crying about how tney are being persecuted,

As much as the ex-Mormon community enjoys the schadenfreude of seeing the church making themselves into an even bigger embarrassment, the predominant attitude seems to be one of sympathy and concern for those still in the church who will be directly affected. From Mormons Building Bridges to the Mama Dragons, those within the church actively pushing for acceptance and inclusion have been dealt a crushing blow, but most insidious of all is the effect this will have on those active, believers in the LGBT community, especially the youth. The suicide rate within the LDS church is disproportionately high for LGBT youth already.

Like so many others I can only hope that the harm this policy will cause can be somewhat mitigated by the backlash against the church and the outpouring of love and support from what I expect will an exponentially larger ex-Mormon community.

 I hope that the youth as well as the millenials and everyone else disgusted by this will leave the church in droves.

Ultimately,  I imagine the church will stand it's ground and the TBMs will fall in line with the edicts handed down from on high by the increasingly decrepit, senilee and narrow minded bigots that comprise the Corporate Gerontocracy. The voices of those who cry out against it will be marginalized.  The cognitive biases of the believers will be reinforced.  The mainstream of diehard Mormons will hold tight to the iron rod and march in lock-step as the LDS church forges onward into irrelevancy and, hopefully,  crawls off somewhere to die.

*  -"The World Congress of Families (WCF) is one of the key driving forces behind the U.S. Religious Right’s 

global export of homophobia and sexism. 
**There is a lawyer posting on Reddit who will assist in processing your resignation for free.

NOTE--When this story broke, like most of my Facebook friends, I began sharing memes about it. Because of that, I was recently accused of "exploiting LGBTQLMNOP issues to qualify my own bitterness" and told to "calm the hell down" by a 'gay friend' of one of my former ward members. In line with the typical view of those who leave the church, I am just bitter and can't leave the church alone. But it is exactly this kind of ignorant, bigoted bullshit that the church pulls that makes it so difficult for those who leave to leave it alone.

Your Believing Spouse Isn't An Idiot.

Having straddled the line between the ex-mormon world and that of the tbm spouse for the last few years, I've learned a thing or two. I've seen through the apostate lens in countless ex/post/former-mormon groups in which I participate. My Primary President wife and I also admin a group for the believing spouses of apostates and that has allowed me to see the other side of the coin. I've seen otherwise good marriages that have cracked under the strain of a faith crisis and I've seen not-so-great marriages grow and flourish as one spouses disaffection has prompted improved communication, greater understanding and mutual acceptance and respect. The keys to keeping a marriage together will vary with each couple, but I'd like to share a few tips and insights that may help.

 First, let's just face the facts, if you have a shitty marriage, and the church was the only thing that you have in common, you're pretty much screwed. Other than sticking it out for the kids, you may just want to accept that you are going to get divorced. The good news is that there are a lot of fabulous ex-mo divorcees out there and you don't even have to go to a singles ward!

 Now supposing that you love your spouse, have a decent marriage and want to get beyond your crisis of faith and make your marriage work. You need to accept a few basic facts and let go of some of your unrealistic expectations.

Fact #1-Your spouse isn't an idiot for believing. Hell, you used to believe. Anyone who grew up in the church has had a shitload of extreme indoctrination and cultural/family pressure heaped upon them ever since they nibbled that first animal cracker in the nursery.

Unrealistic Expectation #1-They will agree with you. Your spouse may not be willing to look at all of the evidence you have found, read all those books, listen to all the podcasts and spend hours on Mormonthink.com. Some people really aren't ready to have their entire belief system completely destroyed. All of those feelings of betrayal, anger, grief, regret, etc. that you have felt and are struggling with are, as you know, a bitch. Not everyone is capable of, or willing to, face that right now, or maybe ever. Even if they are willing to check out some of your info, they may not accept it or care and will continue to believe.

Fact #2-YOU changed. You changed the deal, flipped the script, reneged on your covenants and threw a big fucking monkey wrench into your marriage. This was not part of the plan, and your spouse has every right to be pissed off.

Unrealistic Expectation #2-Your spouse is going to be cool with all of this. You can't pull the rug out from under them and then expect them not to fall or complain about the bruises. As much as you have gone through the stages of grief over your faith crisis, they will go through them over the loss of their eternal marriage/celestial glory/own planet. Just as you may be in the 'Fucking church!' stage, they may be in the 'Fetching apostate spouse!' stage.

Fact #3-You HAVE changed! You will continue to change. Despite your vehement protest that you are still 'the same person', you aren't. You have fundamentally changed and will continue to as you adapt to your new life as an apostate. You're still a nice person, you still love your family, you still put the toilet paper on so it rolls under, but you have changed. You don't accept Joseph Smith as a Prophet, you don't believe in Lehi's dream anymore, and for fuck's sake, you changed your underpants!

Unrealistic Expectation #3-They just have to accept the new me. Your spouse isn't going to happily and unflinchingly accept all of your changes. They will freak out when you  buy a Kuerig machine.  They may cry when you start wearing BVDs (granted the fellas may not weep over your new Victoria's Secret ensemble).  They won't talk to you for a week after you come home with beer on your breath. You don't wanna know what will happen if they catch you looking at porn.

Fact #4-You are going to have to learn to accept your spouse as they are, they may never change. They are going to have to learn to accept the 'new' you, and that you definitely won't come back into the fold.

Unrealistic Expectation #4-It will all work out just fine. This shit ain't easy! This is a difficult process it is going to take patience and hard work to get through all of this.

And one very Important Fact-YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.  Yes, you have changed,  but ultimately, it is for the better.  It's not your fault that the church is bullshit.
 As a wise woman once said
" I did not create the problem or lie, I just opened my eyes and cannot close them again."


With the above in mind, let's explore some basic tips and suggestions.

Tip #1-SLOW DOWN!  Just because you found out the church wasn't true doesn't mean you need to rush out and have strippers shoot heroin into your eyeballs while you get a pentagram tattooed on your face.  Many newly out apostates seem to think that because they spent all those years living by archaic rules and following the Word of Wisdom they have to make up for lost time.  You don't get your mission years back to sew wild oats.  There is no need to run right out and prove all your TBM in-laws right because you just want to 'sin.' Your spouse will accept gradual changes a whole lot better than massive and reckless ones.

Tip #2-Let go of the anger. If you can't let it go, at least stop spewing your venom about it. Sure the church is a vile, corrupt corporation that promotes archaic beliefs, misogyny, and homophobia and is based on a ridiculous work of fiction perpetrated by a narcissistic charlatan with delusions of grandeur and a taste for 14 year old girls, but that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it. You don't go up to the Catholic guy at work and rant about the Pope preaching against condoms in AIDS-ravaged, 3rd world countries or child fucking priests, so lighten up on your spouse and family about polyandry and the Book of Abraham.

Tip #3-Work on ways you and your spouse can communicate better.  Forget the Kinderhook plates, and have a nice discussion about why you hate pickles on your burger yet your wife loves them.  Respectfully listen as she shares her ideas about the perfect dill slice ratio without rolling your eyes and making sour faces. Then explain, calmly and gently about how even the ghost of pickle flavor left on the cheese after you flick those little green demon discs out the car window makes you nearly gag.  Perhaps a pleasant back and forth about the merits of 80's hair metal versus the gentle crooning of Reba McEntire. Once you get the basics of peaceful disagreement about toothpaste flavors and the best way to fold socks, then perhaps you can try discussing Prop 8 or whether or not Nephites rode tapirs.

Tip #4-Remember Fact #2 and realize your spouse is going to take time to process all of this.  The Jay Bryner formula states that for every year you have been married prior to your disaffection, your spouse gets a months worth of free passes to say nasty things to you and treat you like the dirty double crosser you are.  You just let them say all the shitty things and have their tantrums.  You owe them.  You don't have to take the abuse, though.  Let them rant and rave, they get the freebies, but once they are done you calmly tell that how badly the things they said hurt and how despite all of that you still love them.

Tip #5-Consider Therapy. Individual and/or couples counseling can really help you to deal with all of this and is an excellent way to learn new skills that will help you to communicate and process things more effectively.

Tip #6- Prioritize! Make your marriage your number one priority and drop all of that church crap down to like 4th or 5th.  Are you above all, a husband/wife or are you an apostate?  If you make your life all about not being a Mormon anymore, your marriage is going to suffer. If you focus on repairing and nurturing your relationship and moving beyond the differences of belief, it will pay much higher dividends.  Insist on Date Night, do all that corny shit you did when you were engaged, buy flowers, write cheesy love notes. You have to demonstrate that although you have left the church, you have no intention of leaving them.

Tip #7-Your believing spouse isn't an Idiot!  If you have kids, you've no doubt heard this before, but LET IT GO. They didn't suddenly get stupid just because you read Grant Palmer. Lots of very intelligent and wonderful people are believing Mormons. There are many who know a lot of the same shit you do who still believe.  It doesn't make them stupid or brainwashed or blind anymore than your lack of belief makes you a victim of anti-Mormon lies or in the grasp of Satan. Too many times I've seen this nonsense about how someone doesn't know how they can respect their spouse because they still/no longer believe in the church. Oh sure, she may have bore and raised your children and helped put you through grad school, but because she clings to something that she was raised with and gives her comfort you can't respect her?  Granted he is a great provider, father and has devoted his life to helping others, but since he stopped attending church you cant respect him?  What a load of horseshit!

The bottom line is that your marriage is going to be drastically affected by your faith crisis. You and your spouse will never look at each other the same again. Whether you look at each other with a new and improved sense of respect and increased affection will depend heavily on the choices you both make.  Since you were the one to introduce this big change, it is incumbent upon you to be the one to make the greater effort towards reconciling your differences and making things work.

HOWEVER...
     Remember, you haven't done anything wrong!  The 'Bad Guy' in all of this is the church, not you or your spouse.  And in the end, your spouse has to put on their big girl/boy garmies and eventually get over it.  If you accept that you changed the deal and take responsibility for that and extend the olive branch, they have to meet you half way.  I'm not telling you that you have to be a martyr and take their shit, just be responsible for your own.

Next time: Your Disbelieving Spouse is Not in Satan's Grasp!

General Conference Report

My wife's  family has a General Conference tradition. Sunday morning session is preceded by a huge feast of crepes and sausage.   Everyone brings something  and the assembly line begins about 9am and by the time the conference begins blasting from every  TV in the house,  nothing is ready.   I have usually stolen 4 or 5 unblessed sausage links by this time. My father in-law begins barking that everyone needs to pay attention to the opening prayer. Small children are corralled  and those at the stove bow their heads,  but keep one eye open as they crank out the crepes.  Eventually,  usually about the time the first speaker begins,  the food is blessed to the strengthening and nourishing of our bodies,  and the ignoring of the lords annointed begins in earnest.

Last April,  I was fresh from coming out to my wife as an unbeliever, and for the first time (and fucking last! ) I listened to every one of the 10 hours of vital information the prophets, seers,  and revelators bestowed upon us.  I attended my first priesthood session,  walking into a chapel filled with a sea of white shirts packed tightly into all of the pews, my son and I decided to utulize the comfy chairs in the lobby.  It was boring as hell!  At the crepefest,  It was noted by a few  of my wife's brothers and sisters that I was actually paying attention(I think we had only confided in one of her 2 brothers and he had been a dick about it and began avoiding us).  I had brain fuzz pretty badly by the time the second session was starting and thankfully was able to bike the 13 miles home as I listened to thrash metal before watching the dvr'd blather.

This year was quite different. In addition to the historically significant appearance  of not one,  but 2 women praying in General Conference for the first time in 183 years, I was officially no longer a member. Two days before I had finally received my official confirmation  letter from the church's confidential records department stating that, in accordance with my request,  my name had been removed.
 I was also out to my in-laws, having just a month prior, had a brief chat with my mother in-law letting her know that I had sent in my resignation. As my wife and I suspected,  she already knew about my inactivity and disbelief,  having been told by her son.   She had known for some time.   After our chat,  she let my wife  know how sad she was that she hadn't  come to her and defended  her son's dickish behavior. God forbid she offer any fucking support!   My wife's  family has a long tradition of ignoring the elephants that stride through their rooms and passive-aggressively avoiding dealing with anything in healthy ways.

 As we prepared for this exciting weekend, my wife was a bit apprehensive, in addition to the tension between her and her mom,  there had been a few family fun get togethers that my wife hadn't been invited to,  and darling brother had announced his wedding would be on the weekend we had for months been planning on being out of town.  I steeled myself for the awkwardness and kept thinking about the delicious food I would be stuffing in my face to keep me from snarking.

My wife fretted and fumed,  and the day before it was all going to go down,  got into a pissy text exchange with the one sister who has been cool throughout  this whole thing. Before she could send the final text which would screw me out of all those greasy sausage links,  I convinced  her to call and make peace. They made nice,  and she thanked me for chilling her out.

Crisis averted,  we skimmed through  the recorded talks from Saturday's sessions and chatted about Bednar's chastity  rant and the historic prayer which went off completely unremarkable as if it was just another session. I convinced my wife that it might be an interesting conversation  starter if she brought up the prayer,  whereas  my bringing it up might be seen as a bit confrontational. This might be quite interesting,  more likely,  it would just be another unprocessed  parade of pachyderms.

I awoke Sunday to the smell of coffee brewing as my wife was baking a cake for the postmormon potluck we would be skipping out on the afternoon session to attend.   Two large mugs,  liberally filled with Irish creme, (the good kind- Baileys) were luxuriously  sipped as I helped ready  the kids and pack the car with our contribution to the morning meal; 2 gallons of milk and 2 giant jugs of Sunny Delight, (and a water bottle half filled with vodka for myself) and a 3rd mug of Baileys  and coffee was filled to take and wash down crepes with.  Excited and giddy as I was,  my wife was (in addition to being unaware of the Baileys  situation) somewhat tense and uneasy.

 I dressed in old, slightly distressed jeans and a tight, v-neck,  T-shirt, that clung to my recently 10 lbs thinner body.  The look was completed with my atheist symbol necklace, I was a sexy,  smug and self satisfied apostate  if ever there was one.   I was going to be so charming and sociable as to baffle and amaze them all.   We would show them that,  far from being the tragic, mixed faith, couple stuggling in the grasp of Satan that they saw us as,  we were happy and doing great! I would be no bitter apostate bent on mocking and belittling their beliefs  or looking for confrontation,  nor would I  be the aloof and distant grouch,  brooding off by myself,  I was going to be charming!

Arriving  a little late,  we brought in our treasures and I stashed my big mug of contraband out of sight in a bookshelf. I said nice friendly howdies to everyone and got down on one knee and chatted with my 2 yr old niece.  In the downstairs  of my in-laws' split level colonial lives Great Grandpa. I strode down to say a pleasant hello. This led to the longest handshake  of my life.

After a second or two in which I smilingly greeted him and asked how he was,  he went straight to the point.

 "They tell me you asked to have your name removed from the records of the church. " he asked,  still holding my hand and putting the other on my shoulder.

"Yep"

"Why would you do that? "

"I don't believe  it. " I smiled and looked him in the eye.

Nodding towards the TV which was showing a repeat of the Young Women's meeting, he asked "You don't believe  they are prophets? "

"No,  sir I don't,  " still smiling and still holding the handshake.

He went on to tell me about prophets who visited him in his dreams and how he woke with tears in his eyes. I smiled and refrained from discussing confirmation  bias.

"You know this doesn't just affect  you,  this affects the salvation of my granddaughter and my great grandkids."

I assured him that I had no intention of interfering with their desire to attend church and that I supported my wife as  primary president. I stared into his eyes,  smiling and still holding the handshake while informing him that I wasn't trying to destroy their testimonies or telling them a lot of negative  stuff about the church, but that if they ask me questions,  I will answer them directly and honestly. I told him that I had spent several months researching and studying and that this was not something I took lightly.

 "I never thought you had a very strong testimony of the gospel. " he said without malice, and I had to agree.

When he asked about my lack of belief,  I cheerfully and respectfully  told him that I didn't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet or that the Book of Mormon  was an historical or spiritual  record and that Joseph made it up. He began the old argument  that Joseph's limited education,  similar to his own,  was proof that it was divine inspiration. I countered that Joseph knew his Bible and plagiarized heavily  from Isaiah, but stopped before bringing up A View of the Hebrews and told him that it was not my desire to argue about it.

 He then turned back to his concerns  about my family and how it is in my shoulders,  and he wanted to leave this world knowing his descendants were safe in the gospel. I flirted with the idea of telling him that as patriarch of my family I felt it was my duty to protect them from a corrupt and fraudulent cult, but held my tongue.

After stating that he knew I was a good dad and husband,  he finally released  my hand.

Now,  it was my turn to step up into his personal space and be direct.   I thanked him for speaking with me about this.   I told him I appreciated his coming to me and how most others who knew avoid me and seemed afraid to speak with me. I let him know that I preferred  to shoot straight and  be direct and honest. We parted in good terms and I went upstairs to find my wife.

I took a moment for a deep drink from my mug and went from room to room looking for my bride. I eventually learned that she had gone for a walk with her sister.  I sat down to share the great grandpa story with my facebook  ex-Mo groups.   When she returned it was obvious that it's was not a leisurely  stroll.

 "I needed some air!" she informed me through pursed lips. She promised details later and returned to the kitchen.  My daughter shared a bit if the story.   Apparently,  there was some discussion about being judgmental. My wife had expressed her feelings about the fact that my mother in-law hadn't  made any effort to talk to her or provide support when she found out about my disaffection, and felt that she had been judging us. Of course her mom felt she had been judged as my wife hadn't  confided in her. My wife responded  that when she had told people,  they had reacted poorly and shunned us. This was directed at my brother in-law, who was standing between them making crepes. She went on to point out that this was part of the family's pattern of not being open and talking about things,  preferring to sweep things under the rug. This was denied,  tempers were flaring,  and my wife left to cool down.   Mom and brother then snarked a bit about how the only people who sweep things under the rug are the ones with something to hide. When they realized they my daughter was still sitting there, they quickly shut up.

I finished my post and eventually  headed into the kitchen to steal my first unblessed sausage link.  The discussion was more civil and had to do with conference.   My wife brought up the first woman praying.   This was met with ignorance of the significance,  scoffs,   and called stupid. Baileys was calling.  Another briefly  overheard  conversation  was about BIL's fiance moving into his house.  It was vigorously  defended as being completely  above board,  and in no way improper or conflicting with his custody agreement or temple worthiness as she does not sleep there. Their regular temple attendance  was also touted. The upcoming sealing also was discussed briefly,  a pleasant reminder  for my wife that it had been scheduled  for the weekend of our long planned trip out of town.

The conference  began and  a few people  pretended to listen.   By the 1st  speaker,  food was ready.   The ignoring of the speakers by all but myself and my father in-law began in earnest.

Once plates were filled and people were sitting around with plates balanced on laps, a few people payed attention to some of what was said. A sister and law and her teenage son had a notebook and took a few notes. Mostly though,  it was just background  noise for eating and socializing. I'm sure they will read a few talks in the ensign. I was so nice that I allowed niece and nephews to play games with on my tablet.  There was a walk to the cemetary to great grandma's grave, complete with brief cloudburst.  Then it was time for session 2, My wife and I headed out to attend my exmo group potluck.   And thus endeth conference crepefest.

A happy announcement!

This past weekend marks my first General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an apostate.  I was officially and legally a non member as if February  21st,  when the church records office received  my resignation  email. I received  a letter a week later dated on the 21st  notifying me, that against  my specific directions, the matter was being turned over to my 'local ecclesiastical leaders'  and that they were going to drag out the process just to be assholes.   Oh,  I also got my lovely invitation pamphlet (another thing I specifically stated that I did not want) from the 1st  Presidency.  This led to a handful of increasingly snarky emails  to my Stake President which he ignored or at least didn't bother responding to until about the 6th one, which was sent to My Bishop and cc'd to the Stake President and the Confidential records department.

 It was not until April 5th  that I received  my 2 sentence confirmation  letter  which was sent April 2nd.  40 days for 2 sentences.  Fucking corporate bullshit! There was no goddamned  reason not to accede  to my very specific and clearly stated instructions to process my request  immediately  without all the red tape and bureaucratic nonsense.   I know some for whom the entire process to a mere 6 days,  others I know have submitted their initial request months and years ago and still have had no response.   The corporate fuckery of this ridiculous church just pisses meet off.

Fuck the Mormon Church!   I am no longer one of their ranks and  couldn't be more thrilled!

For the Believing Spouse/Family Member, Part 1, Storytime

     So, your spouse/sibling/child/loved one just told you that they no longer believe that the LDS Church is true.  What do you do, how do you react when you hear this from someone you love.
The answer is in the last two words of the previous sentence.  You love.  If you loved them before, you continue to love and support them.  The LDS Church is very big on the importance of family, so if you believe that, you need to show it.  Odds are that if you loved one has 'come out' to you about their non-belief, it has been after a lot of careful consideration and it is not something they take lightly.  The courage required to face potential shunning, ostracism and rejection in the name of personal integrity is something to be respected.  Remember, as disconcerting and scary as this is for you, it is just as much for them if not more. 


To clarify, there are different levels of inactivity.   Most assume the basic inactive or Jack-Mormon is, generally speaking, the person who just doesn't attend because it's inconvenient, or they don't like all the rules and restrictions (Word of Wisdom) or were offended or those other cliche things you hear about inactives. They may or may not believe, they simply choose not to go to church. While this is true is some cases, it is by no means true for all. Many find themselves losing belief  in  the church because the person has serious problems with historical, doctrinal and/or policy issues.  Things like polygamy, racism, multi-billion dollar malls, Prop 8, Book of Abraham, Seer Stones, etc, have led them to a point where they can no longer, in good conscience believe in the Church's claims to be The One True Church. This blog will focus on the latter.

It has been said by some that a crisis of faith and leaving the church is a lot like a divorce.  When you find out that the person/church that you loved and thought you knew turns out to not be what you thought it was and that they have been lying to you, it can be very difficult and emotionaly and spiritually devastating. 

SO how do you support someone who is going through this?  Perhaps a digression through a personal story. 

My brother in law (wife's bro) sent us a text about a year ago when it became clear that his marriage was in trouble.  Kinda put a damper on our Disneyland vacation playing text therapy with him, but that's what ya do for family.  Over the next several months we did all we could to help him try to salvage his relationship with his wife.  We babysat while he rented limos and tried to woo her back.  When things were tough, we sat with him in our home and listened as he spilled his heart out in grief.  When it turned out she was bangin' some dude from work and it was really over, we listened as he vented his anger.  I put together an mp3 playlist and loaned him  a player so he could rock out his anger.  When he sat and  called the mother of his 2 beautiful daughters all kinds of filthy hateful names.  We nodded and were supportive when he said she should just be killed and how he wanted to go kill the other guy.  We knew he was just blowing off steam and wouldn't actually do that, but we did gently remind him that he probably shouldn't make those kind of statements.    We were there for him as the divorce proceeded and the custody battles began.  When he eventually found a new girlfriend, we welcomed her and my wife went out of the way to make sure that she and her adopted daughter were included in the family christmas.  We helped with watching his girls, helping the GF move into her new place,  and anything else we could do.  We eventually started getting together with them couples and going out for Wing Tuesdays. 

In short, we provided love and support for him in his time of need.  That is what family is supposed to do when one of their own has a crisis. 

SO, when I came out to my wife about not believing in the church, he was the one family member we told, figuring that would give my wife someone to talk to and to be a support for her.   There were maybe 2 conversation on the topic between the 4 of us and his attitude was "Ok, you don't believe, so just shut the F**K  up about it."  Then we didn't see or hear from them for a little over a month and that was a text from his girlfriend about her un-friending me on Facebook because of all the negativity and 'ridiculous stuff" I posted.  She went on about how worried she was for my wife and how sad it all is.  All of this without any contact.  She didn't bother to talk to my wife at all, and would have no way of knowing that we were in actuality doing really well, and that our relationship was better than ever.  They just shunned us.  My wife took time to really put together a thoughtful response rather than lashing out in anger.  She eventually had a long talk with her brother, but he just doesn't understand and doesn't seem like he is going to make any effort to try.

One of the biggest conflicts a disaffected person can face is with their spouse.  I have been lucky to have had an amazing, understanding and loving wife who accepts me and puts our marriage before the church.  Many are not so lucky.  A person who has a crisis of faith, especially someone who was a very active and devout believer that has just had their entire belief system and self concept destroyed, now faces the daunting task of  sharing this with their 'eternal companion.'    In many cases, there is a period of secrecy and fear during which the disaffected spend a lot of time reading, researching and studying church history.  They may get involved with an online group or  board, such as Postmormon or one of the many Facebook groups.  They find sites like Mormonthink, or Mormon Stories.  These websites are sometimes viewed with the kind of secrecy, InPrivate browsing and deleted histories that are usually reserved for porn.    The fear of being caught looking at "ANTI-" sites is often greater than the fear of getting caught with porn.

      Now the person is not only keeping their doubts from their spouse, but also engaging in sneaky and deceptive behavior, and this only compounds their feelings of guilt and fear.  They feel compelled to 'come out' and confess.  The questions then become; How do you tell your spouse this? and When  is the right time?  Some wait for months, the guilt and tension building, dropping subtle hints and waiting for just the right time, while others just blurt it out, dropping a bomb in the middle of their marriage.  Which is better?  It depends on the situation, the couple,  but whichever way it is presented it will have unimaginable consequences, and the best that can be hoped for is to minimize the damage and try to preserve the family.  This goal is, sadly, often beyond the reach of many.  The believing spouse often reacts badly, and goes on the defensive.  Let's look at two scenarios and try to see both sides:

Scenario 1:  John-From High Counsel to the depths of despair.

John is an active and devout member of the church all is life, he has a loving wife, Sarah, four great kids, 1 in college,  1 on a mission, and 2 in High School.  He has a good job, and is respected in the community. After serving in a variety of ward callings, from Primary to EQ president to 2nd counselor in the Bishopric,  he was called to a position on the high council several months ago.  As he has gotten deeper involved in the church, little inconsistencies and nagging questions have been popping up.  Little nagging doubts from his days on his mission and even before have risen up out of the past and are threatening to break the shelf where he has  stored all these doubts and questions.  He recently served on a disciplinary 'court of love' and more questions have been raised.  He is experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance and in an attempt to resolve these 'silly doubts'  decides to look deeper into church history and find out the "TRUTH" that he knows will banish these questions forever.  He sticks to 'church approved' sources at first, but instead of assuaging his doubts, this only increases them, and leads him to look at outside sources and , gasp!, the Internet and finds that  instead of being filled with evil anti liars, there are many others, just like himself that have traveled similar paths and are sharing what they found.  Within a matter of days, he has discovered a massive amount of information that simply destroy his testimony of the church.  Practically overnight, everything he has lived his life for, has been demonstrated to be a lie.  This has been compared to a death, and the same stages of grief apply.  Denial kicks in and he flings himself to his knees in fervent prayer, attends the temple, and finds that the 'burning in his bosom'  that once testified  of his beliefs has turned into a gnawing in the pit of his stomach that screams "LIES! LIES! IT's ALL LIES!" and he feels panic and fear like never before. 
   
 The   next stage is anger,  and it is here that John blindsides everyone,  going to the stake president  and asking to be released  from his calling,  goes home and in a righteous  fury,  tells his wife, Sarah,  EVERYTHING .  He spews every bit of evidence he has found in a rush of words and wild gesticulations.

Scenario 2-Mary-Why Aren't I perfect?

Mary has lived her life exactly the way she was ' supposed to,'  from primary  through young women's,  memorizing all the Articles of Faith,  getting her YM  medallion,  dressing 'modestly' and only double dating.   During her year at BYU,  she adhered to the honor code and waited for Mr  right.  When she met him at the singles ward FHE,  Tom seemed to be perfect,  fresh from a mission overseas,  he was charming,  handsome  and worldly (in a righteous way).  After a  brief engagement,  they were sealed  for all time and eternity in the temple. Within a few months she was pregnant  with the first of 5 kids.   Now she is sitting in Gospel  Doctrine thinking back to where things went wrong.
 
It is was her wedding day,  during the endowment session where the doubts began.  The temple was supposed to be the most sacred place on earth,  as close to the celestial kingdom as you could get on earth. Instead,  it was strange, after being touched strangely during the initiatory and dressing in odd white clothes,  she experienced bizarre rituals (that she would later learn were Masonic in origin) and made covenants not to Heavenly Father,  but to her husband. Then the sealing was beautiful but odd,  someone they didn't know spoke at length about chastity and sacred covenants. That night,  the honeymoon was a nightmare. Two virgins who had been brought up being  told that sex was sinful and 'dirty' trying to make love after the surreal temple ceremonies left her feeling confused,  guilty,  and unfulfilled.
 
Her love life never really improved,  sex was something to be endured at the whims of her husband,  who was clueless as to her needs or how to satisfy them. The only good she found from sex,  was getting pregnant. Her role of wife wasn't  what she had expected,  but motherhood, this was her divine purpose!


Tom was a good provider,  worthy priesthood holder and a good friend, he would be a great father. A the children came,  so did the post-partem depression and Tom 's increased work schedule  and church callings. Mary was left alone struggling to take care of the children,  clean the home, cook dinner,  prepare primary lessons and submit to her husband 's  needs when she did actually see him. Mary loved her husband and her children,  her life,  on the surface, appeared to be perfect. Inside,  however,  Mary was miserable,  depressed and hated herself for falling so short of the perfection that she had been raised to expect. She goes through the  motions,  fulfills  her callings,  reads her scriptures,  says her prayers,  conducts FHE, and thinks thank  there has to be something wrong with her because she isn't happy. 

Then, one day at the library,  after wrangling the young ones to story time  she picks up a copy of Mormon Enigma,  surely she will find inspiration from how Emma struggled as the prophet 's  wife. Next comes In Sacred Loneliness. Alone with the baby, while  Tom and the kids are at work and school, Mary loses her testimony page by page,  book by book. Despite the truth she has found, she is still in denial, obviously,  she must be in the grip of Satan. She continues to fake it for years, going through the motions of Church, Callings, etc all the while continuing to spend time now and again reading 'non-faith promoting' books in secret. She learns more and more over the years, guilt and cognitive dissonance building until the shelf  finally breaks, maybe it is the eldest  son's  farewell,  or temple marriage, or maybe her baby's baptism that sets it off, It simply could be a discussion in Relief Society,  but she breaks down and confesses  to Tom her doubts and fears.

Now, we come to the believing spouse's reactions. We will see how they can respond in completely understandable, yet negative ways, that can be the difference between rescuing their loved one and strengthening their marriage, or alienating them and destroying their 'forever family.'

Sarah-My Husband is in the grasp of Satan!

Sarah came home from church that Sunday feeling uplifted and renewed. Sacrament meeting is always a way to recharge her spiritual batteries. She loved the ward, and all her friends in Relief Society. As she began preparing dinner, she just knew that it was going to be a great day. The girls were chatting excitedly about Young Women's as the helped with the chicken, when John came home from his duties in another ward he would smell the delicious mean cooking and smile contentedly. He hadn't been smiling a lot lately, and he seemed so distant; today things would be better.
   
When John was late, she didn't worry, he often ended up spending extra time at other wards. It did bother her a little that his calling required so much time away from the family, but she was so proud that he was always magnifying his priesthood so righteously.

John finally gets home,  over 90 minutes late. He seems somewhat stressed,  but dismisses  her worries with a quick kiss and settles down for dinner. After dinner,  as the girls clean up he takes Sarah to their room and asks her to sit by him on the bed. 

 
"I resigned my calling today. " he starts,  "The church isn't true" is the last thing she really hears as John goes on for what seems like an eternity,  pacing,  waving his arms,  and spewing apostate blasphemy.   Sarah  sits in stunned silence throughout his tirade,  tears running down her cheeks. When it ends he sits by her side,  looking expectantly in her eyes. She  can feel him yearning for her to say she understands and that everything is all right. "We need to pray!" she sobs. "Did you even hear a word I said? " he says, stunned at her lack of understanding.

 
Sarah bolts from the room and locks herself in the master bathroom where she falls to her knees and begins weeping in prayer.   "Dear heavenly father,  please help us! John is in Satan 's  grip!" The prayer goes on for nearly 30 minutes. When she emerges, John is nowhere to be found. Her daughters tell her he stormed out and drove off and ask her what is wrong. She brushes their questions  aside,  assuring them that he is just stressed about stake business. How could she tell them that their  father,  the priesthood holder of their  home is in apostasy?

    Over the next few weeks,  and uneasy truce is in effect. John has promised  not to talk about any of his 'issues' with the kids,  and to give Sarah time to process everything. Sarah has promised  not to file for divorce. She has met with the Bishop  and Stake president,  who both assure her that this is just a mid-life crisis,  and vow to help see her family through this difficult time. John has spent Sundays out hiking. Sarah takes small comfort in the fact that his callings often kept him away from their home ward, so his absence doesn't raise eyebrows. Yet  she feels the eyes of others judging her,  and pitying  her.

   
  When the Bishop and his wife 'stop by' Sarah talks with her in the kitchen as the men get down to business in the living room . Soon the men's voices  start to rise and suddenly she hears John loudly stating "That's bullshit! " Moments later the Bishop enters the kitchen,  red-faced, apologizing and promising to pray for her family.

   Sarah walks into the living room to find John pacing angrily. The fight that follows is the most intense and heartbreaking of their 27 year marriage. It is clear to her that this is not the man she married. Surprised  by her own fury she screams at him to get out of her house  and not to return until he has repented.

     
The separation  and ensuing divorce is devastating to both of them and especially so on the children who are caught in the middle and forced to take sides. The custody and visitation battle is particularly brutal,  as Sarah fights to keep her young daughters safe from the dangerous ideas of their 'evil' father,  who is just as vehemently fighting to free them from the 'brainwashing' of 'that phony cult'.

    In the end everyone  loses, a forever family is no more.

It is easy to see how John and Sarah could have handled everything differently and been more considerate  of others feelings. The crisis of faith may still have ended  the marriage, but it could have been much less damaging to all involved,  and relationships  could be maintained.  

Tom-Woman Troubles.

Sitting next to Mary in bed as she begins sobbing out her hysterical rant about doubting the church, Tom is confused at first. Mary is proclaiming her love for him and yet speaking blasphemy about the church and Joseph Smith and everything that Tom believes in. His confusion soon turns to anger as he begins to understand the depths of her dishonesty and deceptiveness. For the past several years it seems she has been keeping secrets from him, living a double life. He doesn't hear or chooses to ignore what she is saying as his mind is filled with questions. What exactly does she do all day? Who has she been talking about all this with? How can he trust anything she says? Is she having an affair? He finally explodes and begins calling her to repentance. demanding that she submit to his priesthood authority. Her refusal and the spark of rebellion in her eye both frightens and infuriates him. He sleeps fitfully on the couch, thankful only that the church abandoned polygamy, How did the early pioneers handle more than one wife?

Waking early, he slips out before she rises and heads to work. Later that morning he calls his friend, the 1st counselor in the Bishopric and arrange for him to 'have a talk with Mary" and get to the bottom of this. That night Mary is at first apologetic and conciliatory, she has made his favorite dinner and the family meal is very pleasant and all is as it should be. Later, after the kids are in bed, Tom informs her that she needs to go talk with the Bishopric tomorrow night and Mary comes unglued, crying and screaming at him about betraying her trust! Tom has had enough and begins berating her in a tone of voice he usually saves for when the children need to be disciplined. As things get more heated he begins belittling and breaking her down emotionally. She Will Obey Him!

 
The bishopric meeting serves to further humble and take the rebellious spirit out of Mary. She agrees to see a counselor to deal with her "depression and delusions." Things seem to be getting better over the next couple of months. Tom even consents to join her for some marriage counselling, but this turns out to be a mistake, as Mary begins telling a complete stranger about their sex life and openly discussing words like 'foreplay' and 'orgasm' and Tom storms out.  

 
Tom refuses to allow Mary to return to counselling and begins a campaign of righteous dominion, enlisting the bishopric to help drive out Mary's sinful spirit. He makes it very clear that she cannot get along without him. Where would she go? How would she make ends meet? She has no marketable skills. By the time she gets through a church disciplinary court, there is no chance she is going to get the kids from him.

If she stays, she is marginalized, treated like she is somehow damaged, and slowly dies a little each day. If she stands up to him, her life will be irrevocably changed and her family ripped apart.

These are purely fictional accounts, made up in my fevered brain. But, they are based on dozens of similarly sad stories. "Forever Families "don't seem to mean much when one spouse has a crisis of faith.

I've recently been involved in a new Facebook group, Former Mormons with Believing Spouses, and I keep being dismayed and saddened as I read of another loving husband moving out at wife's insistence or about the wife whose husband won't talk to her, or even touch he'd because she has confessed her doubts. In our little group, we are trying to figure out how to save these marriages and encourage better communication and connection. The problem, it seems is that those believing spouses will not even consider discussing their concerns and seeking support. The apostate spouse is simply wrong, something to be feared or fixed. The odds that the person reading this is a believer is pretty slim, if your spouse shared this with you and you actually took the time to read it, thank you. Know this, your marriage can be saved, it won't be easy, but it can be done. If you read the above stories and thought "Well, that wasn't handled well, " then maybe you will be able to reach out to your spouse and help them through this crisis together.

In the next installment, we will look at how both the believing and doubting spouse can respect, support and try to understand each other.

MormonthinkMormonthinkMormonthink

But I'm a Terrible Mormon Husband.

     "I just have to be honest with you,  I don't believe in the LDS Church.  Not even a little." 

     I couldn't believe I was blurting this out over rib tips at Famous Daves.  This was a conversation I had been preparing for and dreading for months now, and this was not how I planned this.  My wife of nearly 20 years sat across the table in stunned silence as I stumbled through a confession I wasn't quite ready to deliver. 

Everything I had learned told me this was NOT how to do this.
Never in a public place.
Not until you are ready.

     I had decided that March was the target zone.  My wife's birtheday was the Feb. 6,  Valentine's  Day was out, and now here I was on President's Day coming out of the closet as a non-believer in a public place when I wasn't ready.

     We had been talking about friends of ours who had been dealing with marital problems and other issues that led to divorce and she was saying how ". . .when they have these problems and they don't talk about things that are bothering them and they just let things bottle up.  When you have these things that bother you, you have to communicate and share. . .etc."(She is a counselor for LDSSS).  And so I did.

     She sat quietly and listened as I tried to explain how I had been studying church history.  She smiled as I  explained how I had realized that I really did love her so much that I had to be honest with her and with myself. She held my hand as I wept telling her about the last ditch temple session that was the final nail in the coffin of my pitiful testimony.  When I finished she was quiet for a bit and then she finally spoke. 

     "But you're still a good man.  You still love me and I still love you,  that doesn't change."  She was a little sad, but not really surprised, and since that day she has reacted to me with the most amazing kindness, love and understanding.  I am so very lucky to have such an amazing woman.   After years of faking even a minimum of interest in the church, I couldn't do it anymore, and my Primary President wife was completely ok with it. She was supportive, loving and I still well up everytime I think of how truly lucky I am to have her.
     I was never the model 'Peter Priesthood' type.  I had hated the church since  I was a kid, and somehow I had ended up married into it, serving callings, paying tithing and wasting my Sundays.   For the last couple of years I had only gone to Sacrament.  Once I had completed all 500 crosswords on my little hand held game, I started reading to get through the 75 minutes of mind-numbing tedium that I resented every minute of. I would slip into the clerk's office and write down the count and print whatever reports or certificates needed printing and walk the Hell home. My Home Teaching record was nearly perfect, I had 17 straight years of never doing it before I finally messed up and answered the phone before checking the caller ID.  I listened to Thrash Metal rather that all those 3-named LDS artists.  I drank coffee at work.  I watched R rated movies and said the 'Fuck' word. I peeked during prayer.  I always thought Joseph Smith was a fraud.  I stayed in bed until my wife went to the bathroom in the morning and then quickly dressed in my 'real' underwear.  I couldn't tell Boyd B. Oaks from Henry F. Packer, and I didn't care.  I couldn't quote scripture.  I didn't know the diference  between Abinadi and Abagofsmashedassholes.  I was a bad Mormon. 

    I was also a loving and caring husband.  After 19 years of marriage we still held hands and snuck kisses.  I suffered through all that church crap because I loved her and it was important to her.  I blessed and baptized my son and daughter, and  held my tongue and went along with bogus teachings that were foisted upon my kids because I didn't want them being faithless doubters like their evil old man and because it was important to my wife.  As I entered the world of the disaffected and  read many stories of marriages ruined because of one spouse's doubts, I realized how much I truly loved my wife and didn't want to lose her.  I committed myself to showing her that love everyday.  This wasn't to butter her up for the bad news, this was earnest, caring love.  When I began to see hope of getting out from under the oppressive, narrowminded stranglehold of the church, I began to see that the resentment and anger that I felt towards my wife was just sublimation of my feelings about the church.  I stopped seeing her as the reason for my unhappiness and began to recognize that she was the one thing I did believe in. 

     I had been creeping around behind her back with another way of thinking and I felt shitty about it.  Now that things were out in the open, I began to feel a sense of happiness and freedom that I hadn't felt in years. We were connecting at a level of honest communication that had always seemed out of reach. We talked about my feelings and beliefs or the lack thereof.  We talked about our marriage and our kids and our future.  We cried, we held each other and we affirmed our love for each other.  We came to an understanding.  We set ground rules and boundaries.  We promised to work through things together.

     That was almost 6 months ago, and a lot has happened since then.  The first amazing thing was just a couple of weeks later when she came with me to a Post-mormon meeting.  It was a little awkward, but everyone was very nice and respectful.  She has since gone so far as spending my birthday weekend with ex-mos 300 miles away just so I could attend a book club on "Insider's View of Mormon Origins."  She even made a pie!  The reception and treatment we have gotten from them has been amazing.  I have been able to attend Mormon Expression live events, go to Atheist book clubs and she even has allowed me to drink the occaisional adult beverage now and then.  I know I am truly lucky, and I try to express that to her every day.  Yes, the snuggling is much better and more frequent too!
     While I have had my Facebook groups and ex-mo meet-ups for support, she doesn't have that much support.  She isn't much for on-line stuff, and  can't really discuss this with her Primary counselors.  We decided to confide in one of her brothers and one of her sisters so that she could have someone to talk to about this.  That has resulted in a distance and awkwardness between us and them, and in me being 'unfriended' because of some of my Facebook posts.  The most notable of those was the one that I felt was a great story of unconditional love and acceptance, but was referred to as me 'preaching false doctrine,' a nice little article with a catchy title from Salon.com.  We are holding back from talking to the rest of her family for now.  There will be issues arising as we face nephew baptisms and other church events, and we will face them (and her family) head on, together.

     My wife has a testimony of the Church and what it does for her in her life, and doesn't care about historical issues or doctrinal inconsistencies, and doesn't want to know.  I respect that and as much as we talk, we don't talk about those issues.  I know that she has a deep and abiding love for Heavenly Father and her Savior, and I would never do anything to destroy that.  She is not a TBM  (True Believing Mormon).  She is fairly liberal, and the Church is a large cultural part of who she is, and as much as I want her to understand and recognize what I see as complete horseshit,  I will keep my promise and not try to drag her out of the Church with me.  But if and when she asks, I have started this blog with the hope that someday she will  read it and follow the information to the conclusion that she too can be free from the lies.  She may not, and if I can accept that with  even half of the grace, love and beauty she has accepted me with, we will be just fine.


      I'm not pretending anymore. I can openly read whatever I want.  I can enjoy my Sundays.  I got a 10% raise!  I can enjoy a fine cabernet with my steak instead of a Diet Coke.  I am free to seek after God or not in my own way.  I can now be authentically who I am without trying to abide (or at least pretend to abide) by the dictates of a bunch of octegenarians or the charismatic hillbilly with an Abraham fetish  and his make-believe golden bible.

     I was a terrible Mormon husband, now I am a wonderful apostate Hubby!

My Disaffection Part 2- I find out how the sausage was made.

     For those of you following along, you will remember that my last post, I shared the story of my discovering the world of Atheism and how I was enlightened by the top figures in this area, Hitchens, Dawkins and Harris. 
     The introduction to critical and logical study of religious claims let quite naturally to looking at the religion I had spent the last 19 years grumbling through because it was important to my darling wife.  Now I was essentially cheating on her with another way of thinking.  I was faced with a crisis of personal integrity.  I knew that I didn't believe in the church anymore.  It would be pretty hard for me to have believed in it less.  I had to be honest with myself and with her, and I had to stop all this philosophical philandering.  The big question was:

How do you tell your LDS wife that you might be an Atheist?

      I started googling variations on the following:  "Atheist married to Mormon"   I was looking for a way to maintain my marriage in the light of my rapidly dying (it was never very healthy) testimony. 
     That is how I found Mormon Expression podcast (you can find it Here).  I found a group of Mormons of varying degrees of disbelief, from angry ex-Mormons who had officially resigned, to the infuriating yet admirable TBM (True Believer Mormon) Mike Tannehill.   John Larson and his lovely wife Zilpha have, over the course of several years and over 200 episodes, explored Mormonism from nearly every angle with the help of a cast of wonderful friends and dozens of notable experts.  These were amazing.  Here I found others who felt and thought as I did.  This was not a group of outsiders spreading 'anti' propaganda, these were people who grew up in, served missions for, were married in the temples of and believed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (COJCOLDS).  Now they were coming out and sharing the view from the inside and the problems they found that led them to conclude that everything they once believed was a lie.  When I wasn't reading, I was listening to these podcasts.  My MP3 player had the option to play podcasts at a slightly faster speed, and I flew through episode after episode as they informed, amused and amazed me with their earnest, chipmunk voices. 

      I could go on and on about them and recommend about 100 episodes, which have helped me along my way.  But for now, just a few all time faves that will give you a good intro:

175-top-10-reasons-to-stay-in-the-church     176-top-10-reasons-to-leave-the-church  These two present the challenge that faces someone who loses their belief.  The humor  and frank discussion blend well to present a well thought out case.

94-mixed-feelings-for-mormonism  Things to love and hate about the church.  John's rant is epic.

89a-14-fundamentals-following-prophet-for-dummies-part-1   89b-14-fundamentals-part-2  These emphasized the pervasive feeling that we should all just shut up and pray pay and obey.

76-mistakes-were-made-how-not-to-leave-the-church   I heard stories of others who were faced with the prospect of telling their beloved spouse that they no longer believed. I learned from the advice they shared along with the mistakes they made along the way.  I was advised to take this transition slowly, be respectful and show her that I still love her and I am not a different person. I found that overloading my wife with all my issues and the things I found would be a big mistake.

These and many others opened my eyes to a panorama of historical and doctrinal conundrums that were part and parcel of the LDS religion.  They also led to more books and more questions.  Those books led to other books, and more questions and still more books and more questions. 
     You see, in the last 19 years I haven't really given two shits about the church.  I didn't care about Joseph Smith, Nephi, Brigham Young, Korihor, or Hugh Nibley.  I never paid any attention to General conference or read the Ensign.  I just sat through the damn meetings because I had to.  I believed it was pretty much all bullshit anyway, so why waste another second outside of those boring damn meetings?  But now,  I became pretty obsessed with understanding how the so-called 'true church' had failed me some completely and yet sunk its tentacles in nearly every area of my life.  It was fascinating.  It was like a car wreck; you can't help but look at all the gore and destruction. So in addition to listening to ME podcasts whenever I could, I was reading more books, books that I was still hiding from my wife. 

One of the first that I read was John Krakauer's
 Under the Banner of Heaven  
 Krakauer tells the story of the Lafferty Brothers and their brutal murder of their sister in-law, Brenda Lafferty and her 15-month-old baby girl Erica.  Ron and Dan Lafferty were extreme fundamentalist Mormons, and to tell their story, Krakauer had to tell the story of the Mormon Church and other fundamentalist splinter groups from the beginning.   It all began with Joseph Smith.  Krakauer does a good job weaving the story of Laffertys  and their fanatical brethren with an honest outsider's view of Mormonism and it's questionable and sometimes violent past.  He makes some mistakes, and this is by no means a scholarly historical treatment of Mormonism, but it damn well has a lot of information that your standard, tithe paying members probably don't know.  It made me want to know more.

     This led to wanting to know more about that old Primary story they always told us when we were forced to attend Primary.  Thinking back to those quaint songs- "Mountain Meadows Massacre my teacher tells to me are about the Brighamites and the Fancher One-Twent-EE."  Oh, wait, they never told us anything about Mountain Meadows in Primary ever!  I heard all about the handcart pioneers and Haun's Mill, but I never heard this anywhere in church.

     My local Library claims to have Juanita Brooks' classic "Mountain-Meadows-Massacre"    -Amazon but I'm still on the waiting list.  So I went with the next best thing, Will Bagley's
  "Blood of the Prophets" -Amazon  Here I had a historian and scholar of the overland migration explaining how a group of emigrants were slaughtered in cold blood while crossing through the Mormon territory.  This book I read in plain view.  I considered it "safe" to let my wife know I was reading.  It was to be my first breadcrumb on the trail out of the shadows and into the open.  I discussed this book with my family and did my best to present a fair and semi objective summary.  I walked the line between "Brigham Young had them 'Used up' and essentially condoned if not tacitly ordered those people to be slaughtered," and "It was a big misunderstanding and those mean, old lamanites did a terrible thing and made the church look bad."  You can see how well I concealed my personal bias in the matter.  This bit of church history fills me with revulsion and flat out pisses me off.  (Yes I know about Mormons being persecuted, and that is terrible as well, but this was not only a brutal act of religious intolerance or persecution.  This was cold blooded murder compounded by deception, collusion and conspiracy.  The glimpse of the character of Brigham Young (beloved prophet) is just the tip of the iceberg of evil, crazy shit that came from the church's 2nd President.  I have yet to delve too much deeper into studying him. 

     While I was openly reading Bagley at home, in secret I had been pouring through Grant Palmer's

 "An Insiders View Mormon Origins' -Amazon Palmer is not some outside mountain climber/crime writer or cowboy historian, he is a "three-time director of LDS Institutes of Religion in California and Utah, a former instructor at the Church College of New Zealand, and an LDS seminary teacher at two Utah locations. He has been active in the Mormon History Association and on the board of directors of the Salt Lake Legal Defenders Association."  -Amazon About the Author.  If you are going to read one of the books I have read, this is the one I would most strongly recommend.  This book is the most informative and most thought-provoking book about the church I have ever read.  I've read it twice, I have traveled hundreds of miles to attend a book club and discuss this book.  I have listened to several interviews and podcasts with Grant Palmer.  Go Read It.

   By this point, the wheels had come off the belief bus completely and I was just trying to find the right time and the right way to talk to my wife.  I had dropped a few more crumbs, slipping little nuggets into the conversations  here and there about the church's misogyny, polygamy and religion in general.

     One of Palmer's main sources was the amazing 1945 biography by Fawn M. Brodie.

 "No Man Knows My History"   -Amazon  A niece of future president David O. McKay Brodie was excommunicated in 1946, a year after the publication of this book that non-Mormon critics praise for its literary style, and thorough  research, and called  a "definitive biography."  It is the big bad biography that all good members know is just anti propaganda and lies.  As you may have guessed, this too, was hidden in my car. 

     I read The Nauvoo Expositor -pdf   and skimmed through The Journal of Discourses -pdf

     I decided to take the open road and got the more 'faith promoting' biography by Richard Bushman,

  "Joseph Smith Rough Stone Rolling" -Amazon  Bushman presents basically the same view of Joseph Smith that Brodie does, with a more apologetic, and less negative slant. He is still a temple attending member and I believe  a Patriarch. So, this book is also sold at Deseret Book, the official Church bookstore.  I could read this in the open.  Hell, I even read it in church.  I found it to be a bit too apologetic and almost seemed like the abused wife trying to sugar coat what an asshole her brute of a husband is.  I eventually gave up and finished "No Man Knows My History." 

     I also displayed this little church sanctioned gem.
  "The Journal of Joseph" -Amazon  Just a quick note on this one.  Boring and a waste of my time, this was my trusty bathroom reading material.  sitting openly on the back of the toilet for all to see.
 
     I read the biographies of  Porter Rockwell,  Wild Bill Hickman, and John D. Lee in the open as well.  Those were some old-timey cowboy Mormon Bad-asses!


     Next came the "Serious Historian", D Michael Quinn.  The end notes of his books are longer than a lot of books others write.  He is one of the famous "September Six," a group of BYU professors and academics who were excommunicated as a part of an "Intellectual Purge."  I got this:
"Early Mormonism and the Magic World View" -Amazon  and one of his Mormon Hierarchy books, big, dry and containing over 400 pages of notes, these books are a hard slog to get through.  Dreary as I found this as a read, it also was every bit the scholarly look at all that wackiness that was part of Joseph Smith's treasure seeking and 'peep stone' adventures.

     Of course, if you know anything about Mormon history, you know about Polygamy.    From Joseph Smith's revelation as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 132, came one of the most controversial LDS  tenets, that of polygamy.  I soon found that what the church refers today as a minor thing from the past, that has no bearing on today's church was a deep, dark secret that was just as tawdry and appalling as outsiders thought it was.  I next read Todd Compton's

"In Sacred Loneliness' -Amazon and found out all about the at least 34 women Joseph Smith 'Celestially Married" behind Emma Smith (the only wife you ever hear about in church media).  I learned of his marriages to 11 teenage girls, one of whom was 14, only a year older than my own daughter. I also learned a new term, Polyandry, and how the Prophet told some of his male followers that they had to let him marry their wives, or sent them on missions and then swooped in with a 'revelation' that God wanted these women to marry Joseph.  A brief overview of these women can me found here.  From Kirtland to Nauvoo, Joseph Smith cut quite a swath through the women of the early church. 



     I saw behind the curtain at last, and the emperor was butt-assed nekkid!  Not only was the church not what it claimed to be, it had purposely set out to ignore, and at times, actively conceal historical facts they found were not "faith promoting."

      I've barely scratched the surface here, I haven't mentioned  The First Vision, Kirtland banking scandal, Joseph's bid for President, The Book of Abraham, The Kinderhook Plates, the Greek Psalter, The Anton Letter,  DNA evidence, Lack of Archaeological proof of the Book of Mormon's claims, and that Soylent Green is people! 

     That's just the early historical problems, we barely touched Brigham Young and his boat load of crazy.  There is and the Racism, the Marc Hoffman "Salamander Letter" and bombing scandal, Boyd K Packer's homophobic rants, City Creek Mall  and  Prop 8.  This fish is rotten from the head on down, and I'm still giving 10% of my income to these assholes.
     I had to talk with my wife; I had to come clean about my philosophical problems with the Church.  I needed to pick my moment carefully, leave a few more crumbs and eventually when the time was right, I would tell her.


Next Time, Forget the trail of crumbs, here’s the whole damn loaf of bread!